You feel your marriage is in trouble. You can’t communicate with your spouse anymore. You are constantly fighting. What was once time with the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with is now a source of major pain. This is article is about how to save a marriage.

To understand where things went wrong we have to go into how communication breaks down. The very core of a break down starts with what we call “Overt Behavior”. An “overt” is when one of the partners does something to the other partner. An overt could be as small as lying to the partner or as big a gambling, cheating and alcohol problems. If you want to learn how to save a marriage you must understand this point. If the person doesn’t apologize and address the “overt” they will create a “withhold” pattern. A withhold pattern is called that because the partner that commits the “overt” will literally withhold their love and start making you wrong.

The overt/withhold pattern can also happen with your children. Let’s give an example of how this shows up. Your teenager wants to go out Friday night with the car. You say sure but you want to know where they are going and that they must be home at 11PM. The teen agrees to call and to be home on time. Fast forward to 12AM and no call and no teenager. You are going nuts. The teens behavior is an “overt”. He then shows up at 12:30 AM and you ask him what happened and tell him you were so worried. If he apologizes sincerely and confesses to being irresponsible and accepts the consequences, the “overt” will be clean this time and it is over. In learning how to save a marriage, the next part is critical to understand. What happens when the teen doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions? He will commit a “withhold”. This shows up as “stop bugging me, I’m just a little late” or “Hey, my phone died so I couldn’t call. What’s the big deal? You guys are always on my back”. The teen literally withholds his love and blames you.

If you want to know how to save a marriage you must be prepared for the overt/ withhold pattern. It happens all the time. Here is the most important part. If you or your partner doesn’t clear the pattern the pattern almost always becomes a recurring cycle. An unresolved overt/withhold pattern literally creates more overt/withhold patterns and the things that we begin fighting over becomes more regular and more ridiculous to where you can be fighting over literally nothing.

In learning how to save a marriage become an overt/withhold detective so you can see it for what it is. Learn how to catch yourself saying something to your spouse that really is inappropriate and apologize from your heart. It could literally save your marriage. We will go more in depth on how do get great at resolving this important communication technique.

Good Luck!

Dr. Robert Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

For questions on this matter or on any other family problem contact Dr. Bocknek at www.Bocknek@takebackthehome.com or go to his website at takebackthehome.com/ or see him at the expert section of keyboardculture.com.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families.

     

More on Topics: How to Save a Marriage, Overt, Withhold

Tags: How to Save a Marriage, Overt, Withhold

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 24th, 2009 at 9:00 am and is filed under the category Dr. Robert Bocknek, Family, Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.