Blended families are an amazingly common phenomena in America today. Just the fact that we have a term for a situation where the survivors of two failed marriages coming together speaks volumes in and of itself.

But, this article is not about failed marriages or tragedy. It is about what happens when two people have learned from their mistakes and make a new wonderful loving family. It is about the possibilities that can be a reality. The reality being that humans can rebound and take hurt and loss and make a new beginning. This is about success in blended families.

What does it take to make success in blended families? The first thing that is required is for the two adults to look at whether their core values are in line.

What does this mean?

Core values are the 3 or 4 most important feelings each person hold close to their center. Core values could be happiness, love, trust , integrity, etc.

One might think that every one has the same value system, but this isn’t true. More often than not, women hold love as their number one value, whereas men most often hold significance as theirs. Blended families problems can escalate by not understanding this.

An example of why this can cause a problem is love often entails expressing closeness whereas significance entails defining oneself to do better in the job world and leading to independence. Independence requires distance from others.

In order for blended families to work we can’t have one person constantly feeling like they need space to stay comfortable and the other feeling like they need to decrease that same space to feel comfortable. Almost all conflicts in couples are about perceived violations of the others core values.

How do we know what our core values are?

Make a list of ten to fifteen values you believe in and compare them by taking two and deciding which one is more important to you. The one that is more important to you then needs to be compared to the next one on the list until you can accept which ones are most important.

This tool is hugely valuable in understanding yourself and how your values mesh with someone you are ready to get serious with. No matter how strong the feelings are blended families success will be based on how the parent’s core values mesh or conflict.

In the next blended families article we’ll discuss how to overcome value conflicts.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parenting and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

     

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