When you live in gratefulness, you appreciate more what you have. When you appreciate more what you have, you are a better parent, a better spouse a better citizen. When you are grateful your family enjoys you more and you them. You will find the only real way to peace.

Good parenting skills begin with the idea of gratefulness and leads to what makes a good parent. Next, gratefulness needs to be expressed as greater acknowledgement of others. Thanking your spouse for being there for you, not just as a concept, but in practical things. Thanking your spouse for cooking and cleaning, for going to work, for loving you is critical. Thanking your kids for doing well in school or doing their chores without too much a fuss is critical. Being grateful is a key ingredient in parenting skills and what makes a good parent when the kids aren’t doing well. It doesn’t mean don’t set rules or punish. It means explaining better what the rules are and why you have them so they can learn.

Be grateful today for your family and your life.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek
Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Let’s start with why you became a family in the first place. Parenting skills and what makes a good parent is all about keeping an eye on the prize. What is the prize? It is recognizing, through all the craziness that is going on all around you, that you are truly lucky, fortunate and blessed to have a family. For this conversation, let’s visualize the last statement to only include your nuclear family. If your bigger family isn’t a huge challenge for you, you can also include your parents and in-laws and cousins.

In parenting skills, marriage skills and what makes a good parent what starts the road to happiness starts with remembering back to when you were alone and you wanted to have someone in your life who was in this life with you. Whether you knew it or not you were searching for that partner. Now, you have it. It may not seem all you wanted it to be but that is just because you and your partners, (your spouse and kids), forget sometimes about the fortunate situation you have, namely having each other.

It is critical, when dealing with parenting skills, what makes a good parent and spouse is twofold. The first, is to acknowledge others in the family for being there with you. Simple things like thanking the kids for doing their chores or cleaning their room like they are supposed to do, is that kind of acknowledgement. Being excited, authentically when your spouse comes home is that kind of acknowledgement. The second part is to be thankful that G-d gave you these blessings, namely your family. If everyone is healthy, be thankful for that. If there are health issues, be thankful for the time you have.

Parenting skills and what makes a good parent action steps:

1. Greet family members with a hug when they come home, always or as often as possible.
2. Have as many family meals together as often as possible. No complaining here, just enjoyment and courtesy
3. Speak to other family members how lucky you feel for what you have. There is always something to be thankful for. Remember you have them and they have you
4. Everyone helps with chores in the house, so it is a team effort.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

My oldest son in college had a full scholarship. All he needed was to keep a B average. We prepped him about the challenges of being responsible and girls and keeping it together. We lead him to the water but he found partying more attractive. He didn’t keep his B average. He lost 75% of his scholarship.

I told him he had to get a loan for the remainder to make up for the short fall. He was so upset he wanted to drop out. I told him he could but if he did he wasn’t moving back in the house and we would give him $1000 to get started but that was it. Furthermore, to get the money he had to draw up a budget for himself. Once he realized how quickly he would have nothing he changed his mind. What makes a good parent is accepting what you can do for your kids and explaining to them why you are doing what you are doing. They might not like it but you will have done all you can do.

Whatever you do with your kids…what makes a good parent is to instill consistent values that you think will empower your children to be good, successful people.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I took the computers away except for school and never allowed computers in their room. The computer addiction was quite apparent at this time. They were screaming, slamming doors and sleeping a lot. We talked a lot with them at this point. They weren’t happy but started to come out of their room. What came out of their mouth, made me want them back in their room but it slowly got better. They literally transformed to much more enjoyable kids again.

In the words of Marshall Mclewen, our society is becoming a nation of vidiots. But I don’t think even Marshall could have predicted the computer addiction of today. To you parents, who have young children, do yourself, and your children, a favor. Keep their computer in a public room so you can monitor their time and content. I would highly suggest the computer should only be for educational endeavors. For you parents of teens, use the same rule. Keep their computer in a public area. No computer, during the week for anything but school stuff. On the weekend, only let your teens have an agreed upon time frame for using the computer.

Computer addiction is insidious and all around you. Your child’s growth is partly based on real socializing with you and their peers face to face. Create the computer rules of the house so it empowers your children to grow.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The way to success in the blended family is dependant on family in your world view. It’s easy to talk family is the most important thing to you, but do you live it?

During these stressful financial times it’s critical to have family dinners, not as an after thought but as a priority. Because our younger kids spend time between their birth mother and our family I make sure that the Sabbath dinner is something special. We aren’t hammering the kids with rituals but we do light the candles, drink wine and break the bread. It is a connecting point. In your family, do something that you guys can connect to in your blended family. Make the meals pleasant and fun.

If some of the kids are off to college call the step kids and talk about their school, their girl or boy friends. Just be real and re-cement the relationship that came into being when you began your blended family. Remember families are for life this time around.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Remember what these “what makes a good parent” articles are about. They are about being able to let go with your teen and not be miserable. Trust me, the less you are stressing out about your teen going out, the better the experience is going to be for you and for them. If you know they have good common sense and represent you well out in the world, you will be less stressed. If they are doing well in school, you will feel better about letting them go out. Furthermore, on this front, when they are doing well in school they tend to hang out with a better, brighter group. Lastly, when they are staying out late or for a long time, knowing that you can get a hold of them greatly diminishes stress.

On a closing note, with this “what makes a good parent” topic, allowing your teen to have more freedom and seeing that for the most part they handle it well, is another opportunity for you to be proud of the job you are doing as a parent. Remember, raising great responsible kids, is a critical part of helping create a great society. When you look around at all the problems in society and all the bad news on TV you will be able to feel good that you are playing a huge part in not adding to the mess.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent is preparing for this inevitable time by setting up ground rules. The first thing for you to think about, as a parent, is having rules about what kind of things have to take place for the teen to earn the right to have more independence. Yes, I just said that going out is a privilege and not a right. It is critical, as a parent, that this rule is not negotiable. I can to tell you from experience that if you don’t want to spend long hours worrying about them or not worrying and getting that phone call that you don’t want to get, take control.

Now, let’s talk about what some of those rules ought to be in order to get those privileges.

The “What makes a good parent” rules:

• The teen needs to exhibit a responsible demeanor that justifies new privileges

• The teen needs to being doing well in school

• The teen needs to respond to a parent in a way that the parent can be comfortable when the teen is away

Responsible demeanor means your teen recognizes that you are the boss and not them. It means that they have a responsibility to act with dignity out in the world and not like a thug. Teens are a work in progress. They learn by watching their friends or by other teens they want to be friends with. Without teaching your teens about their responsibilities, they will be quite susceptible to those other teens. What makes a good parent is teaching them constantly what a good demeanor is and rewarding them for displaying good judgment with more privileges and taking away privileges for bad judgment.

Now, we are going to discuss good grades. You can’t get around it, parents. A huge part of what makes a good parent is helping your teen achieve in life. Socializing is an important part of growth in teenagers. No one is arguing that. But be a leader with your teen. If they aren’t doing well in school, they aren’t going to do better with more socializing. It is critical that your teen associates privileges with doing well in school. If you have bought into the idea that grades don’t really matter, I have 3 words for you… “get over it”. If your teen is not doing well in school, they shouldn’t be going out, period, until they improve.

Please read part 3.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I would like to talk about a few points that will help bring it to an empowering time rather than a miserable one. Before we make these points, we need some ground rules. First you must accept  independence as a natural occurrence. The second thing is the parent needs to evaluate, within themselves, why they would or wouldn’t allow a teen to have more privileges. The third part is that for a parent to allow more independence, the teen needs to exhibit a few important characteristics.

Let’s first talk about independence as a natural occurrence.

What makes a good parent is to recognize that raising children, as all encompassing as it is, is an ever changing dynamic. When they are babies, raising children is about being responsible for another being. While that part never goes away, as they get older it is about teaching them valuable lessons about how good people behave and responsibility and ethics, while, at the same time, being loving.

Sometimes, we as parents don’t want to let them out because after all our hard work we want them around just so we can watch our accomplishments. We can get frustrated that they want to “leave us” all the time and hang out with their friends rather than us.

What makes a good parent is fighting this frustration and turning the emotion into a positive one. We can do this by acknowledging that it isn’t about them leaving us. It is about us having done a great job that they feel strong enough to go out and explore the world. So first, congratulate yourself that you accomplished that, then, make sure that when they go out that these young entities aren’t going to get themselves into trouble.

In part 2 of “What makes a good parent and knowing when to let go” we are going to discuss the points in how to successfully deal with letting go.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Feed your child good food as often as possible. Junk food is ok but it should be the treat not the staple of what they eat whenever they are hungry. Nutrition is the building block that our immune response is based on.

Give your children the love and consistency they need. Their mental health adds to their physical health.

I hope these articles give you the strength to fight the knee jerk reaction to go for drugs at the first moment there is something wrong with your child. Remember the goal is a healthy child and because we often associate giving a drug as doing something very healthy, it is often the cause of many health problems.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Weakness #2 Vaccines are safe.

What makes a good parent is taking responsibility to get information on vaccines from multiple sources so you can make an informed decision as to whether getting vaccines are what you want to do. As to whether vaccines are safe is a huge debate right now. What we do know is that most drugs that were available ten years ago are no longer available because they have been found to have too many side effects. This is why all drug advertisements now have to list all the side effects you may experience. Studies show that many people get sick within 2 weeks of getting the vaccine that it was supposed to prevent. While not to sound like an alarmist just think about who makes vaccines and the politicians who get massive campaign contributions to push their agendas.

Weakness #3.

What makes a good parent is realizing that your children’s health will never be based on getting the right drugs into their systems. It will be based on realizing that children are just developing their immune response and so they need to be protected from possible immune system overload.

How do you build up your child’s immune response as safely as possible?

What makes a good parent is accepting your children will get sick. You got sick and your parents got sick. Your children could get sick and die but most likely they are going to get sick and live just like you and your ancestors did. It is always scary when our children get sick. Being a parent is not for the weak. What’s important is that you be logical and not panic.

Here are some common sense strategies when flu season starts

1. Cut down on your children’s dairy intake. Bugs love dairy.

2. Get your kids plenty of sleep so they will be strong.

3. If the neighbor’s kids are sick keep your children away.

4. If your kids are sick, keep them home and rested for a day or two.

5. If they get sick, their temperatures rise higher than adult, don’t panic and give aspirin. The temperature rise is how the body fights the infection. Never let the child’s temperature rise above 105. If it does put them in a bath tub to cool them down. Then call the doctor if the temperature doesn’t come down. Don’t worry, this almost never happens.

Please read part 3 of “What makes a good Parent and the swine flu”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

This is not an article to tell you what to do. I can only tell you my family never gets flu shots and never has gotten one. We get sick sometimes but over all I would have to say, compared to our neighbors, we get sick a lot less. Here’s a possible reason why. A body’s immune response is based on its ability to respond to outside toxins. If we get exposed to something bad, like a flu virus, our body makes anti bodies to fight it. If we can respond quick enough or we are strong enough we don’t get sick, if not we do get sick. What makes a good parent is to try to make our kids strong enough so we can fight successfully. So what can a parent do?

Let’s first continue on the idea of making antibodies. Each time we get exposed to a virus or bacteria and we don’t take a vaccine, our body develops antibodies. Then each time we get exposed we get stronger and stronger. If, each time we get exposed to or think we might get exposed to a virus or bacteria, get the vaccine, then the vaccine takes over the duties of fighting the bug. We don’t develop antibodies and so get more susceptible to the next bug that comes around. So you might think every year you can just get the vaccine so it doesn’t matter. What makes a good parent is understanding the weakness in this argument.

Weakness #1

Because so many people take vaccines, the drug companies need to make them well in advance of the outbreak. In other words they often don’t know exactly which bug is going to come so they make a cocktail to fight it off. Often it is the wrong one. What happens then is if you get sick you think it didn’t work and if you didn’t get sick you think it did work. The truth is you don’t know what the truth is. What you do know is that your body got more immunosuppressed because it didn’t fight off the bug. Your body let the drug fight the bug and your brain starts to believe it doesn’t need to fight, so you got weaker.

Please read part 2 of “What makes a good Parent and the swine flu”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Let’s begin with an important point. There are issues that you can’t help in life. There are other issues you can have under your control. You can’t control a bad economy but you can control to some degree the economics of your home. Money stresses, in a marriage are as big or bigger than sex issues. You need to handle those to avoid marriage problems.

In dealing with money issues and marriage problems I like to draw from the saying, “If all you have is lemons, make lemonade”. If your family’s economics aren’t the best, a way to improve your marriage rather than have marriage problems is to find ways to not use your credit card that can bring you and your spouse together. The first suggestion, here, is stop eating out when finances are tight. Find ways to cook together, eat together, spend time together.

Delegate the responsibilities of the meal so everyone participates. Family participation, as a unit, creates a “we’re in this together” mentality that often creates great bonds. When doing these things, reinforce this concept, by verbally speaking about how you, as a family, are in this together. If it’s in you, pray together about being thankful about how lucky you are to have each other.

The second part of reducing stress and improving your marriage is stop spending so much money with your credit cards. I guarantee you if your credit card bills are more manageable it is one more thing that will decrease the pressure on the marriage. Marriage problems are created by not putting the family first. Buying things, going out to eat and buying new cars are fun. Overspending your budget isn’t. Put your family first, live within your budget, be a team and keep yourself healthy and you have the best chance to a great marriage.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The first point here is that what you just did in this simple model was to decide to have a happy marriage as opposed to an unhappy one. Simple as it may sound, the first step to not having marriage problems is making decisions that benefit the marriage.

How often do decisions come up about benefiting or hurting your marriage? I will give you the answer. Every single day of your life, they will come up. Let’s continue on with this idea of how they come up so often.

Can you accept that most marriage problems are based on sex and money? It is to your benefit to do so. Let’s go on like you believe it.

We will first talk about sex. When you first met, what made you desire you spouse? What made them desire you? Did they dress well for you or you for them? Were you keeping yourself in shape? We are all getting older, but we don’t have to get old. By this I mean, if we take care of ourselves physically and mentally we will stay more attractive to our spouse longer.

Conversely, if you decide that fast food is more fulfilling than having sex with your spouse, you will

a) get old and less sexy earlier

b) have less energy for sex, and

c) be deciding to increase the likelihood of having marriage problems because you have become less sexy.

Now let’s back up a little bit. Does this mean you must look the same way you did 10 years ago?

No, that’s impossible and it’s not possible for your spouse to be the same either. But, if you put the effort in, and I mean a real effort, like working out and eating healthy to show your spouse that you understand that you are deciding to stay as sexy as possible, they will appreciate it and in turn find you more sexy. Why would they find you more sexy? It’s not just because you look good. They will find you sexier because by taking care of yourself, you are showing them that they are important enough to you to make a commitment for them. That’s how we are, as humans are. Hopefully, they reciprocate and you feel the same way about them.

Part of avoiding marriage problems is about deciding to stay as sexy and healthy as possible. It works in my marriage and it will work in yours.

Please read part 3, where we talk about the money issues in marriage problems.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The saying goes “the only two things you can count on are death and taxes”. But there is one other thing you can count on if you don’t keep your eye on the ball, and that is marriage problems.

Are you having a great marriage or are you having marriage problems? When each of us got married, barring getting married due to a surprise pregnancy, we went into it with hopes and dreams of a bright future, or a feeling of security, or at least a feeling of connection. For those of you who honestly feel you have a great marriage, or at least a good one, those same feelings to some degree are still there. To those of you who are having marriage problems, something happened along the way that changed those feelings.

Let’s take a look at what happens that leads to a happy marriage or marriage problems and then give some useable suggestions. We are going to start the talk with a premise that most marriage problems begin with one of two problems. Those problems are sex and money.

(This conversation is going to preclude that there isn’t a drug or alcohol addiction going on, because that conversation will take twenty pages).

Sex and money, when you have them, life seems to float on like nothing can stop you. If you begin to lose them or never had them, marriage problems can’t be too far away if you don’t have strategies to counteract these challenges. So let’s talk about some strategies that either are working for you, whether you know it or not, or are absent and undermining your marriage.

I want to begin with how you see your marriage. I would like to use a metaphor to begin. Visualize your marriage/life as you walking down an old country road that has no cars, no signs and nothing to distract you. As you follow this path, life is fine. But then, you come to a fork in the road and at the fork there are signs. One points to the left and the other points to the right. The sign pointing to the left says happiness, fulfillment, great marriage, and the sign to the right says legal bills, stress, damaged children, marriage problems. Which road do you choose? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say everyone of you just chose left.

Please read part two of “Marriage Problems, When the team breaks down”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

John Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country”. It was probably one of the best lines any leader has ever said to their fellow countrymen. It was meant as a catalyst for action to do what has always made America great. It meant you are your country so do something for it. Barak Obama had some of the same message for our kids. Stay in school. Do your best. Achieve. But I don’t agree with everything he said nor with some of his tactics, specifically asking children to help him pass his reforms an bills. I believe in what we can do for our country, but let kids be kids.

Last week the president was going to address the children and teens of America. On the whole, I think it is a great idea to have the leaders of this country speak to our youth. I personally feel there is too much of a disconnect between Americans and between Americans and their country. Like another young president, John Kennedy, Barak Obama has a chance to move the young of America. What makes a good parent in the home is leadership. What makes a good parent of the country is leadership.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Ask all the prevalent questions. Have a meeting with the teacher without the student and maybe afterwards, with the your child. Stand firm. Let the child or teen know all the facts you have found out and help them form a strategy for success in the class.  Let them know you will be monitoring them so that the strategy will be implemented. Regularly, let them know that this kind of strategy is what they will need to do in their life to increase the odds that they will be successful and that’s why they need to do it.

Let’s now talk about standing firm.

You may be thinking, “Dr. Bocknek hasn’t said anything about how or when to stand firm.”

You are right!

But you can’t solve two problems if you can’t even solve one. This means you have to have a strategy for success for your kids first before you can help them work through their mistakes. So far we have been talking about how to implement a successful strategy. What makes a good parent is recognizing that no strategy always works and no one always follows the strategy.

Parents, you do no service to your children by not having them take personal responsibility for their outcomes. This doesn’t mean throwing your children in jail. It does mean you can’t keep protecting them when they don’t do the right thing.

Standing firm with your children is about helping them to be a success in life. What makes a good parent is having an honest relationship with your children, where they know that they are expected to do the right thing and when they don’t that there is a penalty. Having children is a responsibility to yourself, your family and your country. Stand firm with your kids. You will be happy you did.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Have you ever watched an infant bang their head while crawling under the coffee table and then have the parent soothe the crying baby by hitting the table and saying “bad table”? It’s funny. Right? The baby will often be happier then.

What did we teach the baby? We didn’t teach them to be careful and learn, did we?

Now, I’m not saying you can’t do that but what makes a good parent is helping them learn.

Let’s now use a more important example.

Let’s say your teen is doing poorly in a class and you confront him or her about it. They claim their teacher is being unfair to them or their teacher doesn’t like them. What should you do?

I have many times witnessed parents running into the school yelling at the school or the teacher. I have also experienced parents yelling at their kids without finding out what happened. With either of these approaches what did your child learn and which approach is better? Maybe a better question is what didn’t they learn?

What makes a good parent is helping them learn and succeed through mistakes. Let’s look at common outcomes to the two previous mentioned situations.

I believe the worst outcome happens when the parent yells at the school especially in the presence of the child. Why? Because what can the child learn? They can learn that blaming others for their outcome in life is a totally reasonable way to get out of problems. It completely removes responsibility from your child. It may feel good to do this. It creates short term pleasure as having the blame removed from them. The problem is that the long term trouble of not taking responsibility for one’s self can only lead to chronic problems in the future as the child learns no strategy of how to get out of trouble.

The second strategy, of yelling at your child, at least confronts the child to take responsibility for their outcomes. Humans are motivated by getting out of pain or moving toward pleasure, so yelling at them will make them do something that will get them out of pain. The problem is that sometimes they will study harder to get out of pain and sometimes they will avoid you or do drugs to get out of the pain. Successful strategies aim at moving your child through good decision making. When they understand how to get a desired result the odds of success are much better.

Please read part 3 of What makes a good parent and standing firm.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Sometimes, you will be good at all three and sometimes you will only be good at one or two of these. I would love to say that if you most of the time do the right thing the right results will come out. I can’t. What I can tell you is that it is an odds game. What I mean by that is that if you do the right thing most of the time, with your kids, the odds are most of the time you will get the results you want. What makes a good parent is the ability to make the tough decisions, no matter how painful, to move your kids to the right place.

The first point in making the tough decisions is doing your best as a parent. This may seem like an obvious point but I want to speak about it a little. Especially to mothers reading this article, what makes a good parent is accepting you can’t be mommy for ever. You can be a strong mother, forever, just not the mother who is raising a baby. For many of you, this will be extremely difficult. Many mothers have a level of nurturing, hard-wired into your system, that very few men will ever develop or understand.

In my experience, accompanying this huge nurturing capacity is a certain amount of, “I can’t do enough for my kids” capacity as well. Part of the reason for this latter part is the feeling that if you didn’t have this mentality you wouldn’t be doing your best as a parent. On this point, what makes a good parent is the ability to realize inside when you did your best, your kids at some point will still make mistakes and it’s not your fault. When they make those mistakes, they will need to be responsible and work their way out, themselves. Teens, especially, need a chance to work out their issues themselves, whether it be in doing badly on a test in school or getting a speeding ticket.

Parents, you have and will make bad decisions in your life. How you deal and have dealt with them now shapes your life. Helping your children deal with their bad decisions, as children and teens, is one of the most important things you can do for them. Handling their bad decisions for them, without out them taking responsibility is one of the surest ways to make them more likely to have a hard time as an adult.

Please read part 2 of “What Makes a Good Parent and Standing Firm”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

A huge part of a parent’s role, even in the disintegrating marriage, is to stay unified in regards to what is important for the children. It is important for the parents to keep the kids routines consistent, like before the troubles. What makes a good parent is continuing with good habits for the kids such as these:

• They continue to do their homework on schedule

• They continue to get good grades

• They continue to do chores

• They continue to show respect for both parents

• Parents continue to acknowledge good behavior in the kids

• Parents continue to overtly show affection for their kids

Let’s now move onto a more positive situation, namely the ongoing family.

A big part of what makes a good parent is using the example of yourselves, as a couple, so your kids can see what a healthy adult relationship is like. Many of us were raised in a broken home. Many of us had never seen a parental relationship that lasted. If you are still married, use your marriage as a learning tool for your kids.

Fathers and mothers each have a unique perspective. It’s important to share those with your kids. Just a subtle point on men and women… Men and women can be equal in marriage but different in their perspective. Learn to enjoy and share the differences between men and women with your kids. Share your affection to each other in front of the kids. Hugging and kissing are quite acceptable behavior. Thank your spouse for cutting the lawn, cooking or cleaning or paying for dinner. Do it in front of the kids. Compliment your spouse on what a good job they did. If you argue, when you cool down enough make sure you hug, for yourself and them. Part of what makes a good parent is letting your kids see how two adults can have disagreements and that it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

Take the time to explain to them that the family is the center point of your life and that you are all a team and that its for life. America needs you to be this. America has gotten to a bad place morally and ethically and it is important for great people like you reading this article to make the effort.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The home is nothing if it isn’t a safe haven for your children. Your children need at least one place in their life where they can let their guard down and be themselves. This doesn’t mean that the home is a place that they can misbehave but it does mean it should be a place of comfort, love and security.

Let’s look at being on a boat as an analogy of how the parent’s relationship creates balance for our children. On land, what gives us our balance is that the earth is steady so when we walk our brain can calculate how far to reach with our legs on each step. In a boat, however, the ground is moving. When we attempt to walk on a boat the deck can come up or down with the waves and the brain is forced to constantly reset for balance. Our brain then has to work much harder for normalcy. The parent’s relationship, and it’s effect on the kids, is similar. If it’s consistent the child’s brain has that much less to occupy it’s attention. When the parents are out of balance most likely so are the kids.

What makes a good parent is making sure the home has that stable ground so your child’s brain doesn’t go into overwhelm. The parent’s relationship to each other can often be a rock from which the kids can grow healthily or a tidal wave that leads to instability.

Let’s, then, go into a few points about what makes a good parent in regards to parent’s relationship to each other. We will be begin with the worst scenario, which is the family of the divorcing or soon to be divorcing parents. You may be wondering why I am including divorcing parents in a discussion of what makes a good parent. Here’s why.

One of the most important jobs a parent has is insuring that his or her offspring is a success in life. This doesn’t stop because the parents are unable to find a way to have happiness together.

Please read “What makes a good parent, parents loving each other part 2″ where we will go into those points.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.