We have been going off on a rant today. Sometimes, however, it’s important to shake up parents so you can see the big picture. We are entering a time of extreme polarity in our country. One of the things that goes into what makes a good parent is to focus on what really benefits your family. The education of your children needs to one of the highest priorities. This might seem like an obvious statement but the action step to achieve a level of competence in school isn’t as easy as you might think.

What makes a good parent now means you must set goals for you child to achieve in school. Just as society is polarizing so is the success rate in school. In school, we are seeing a skyrocketing dropout rate and pregnancy on the one end and intense achievement on the other. You, as a parent, are going to have to decide which way your student will go. How are you going to achieve excellence with your child?

What makes a good parent is to learn strategies on how to make sure your child achieves.

Steps to your child’s success in elementary school:

1. Your child should read with you and by themselves everyday.

2. Television should be limited to the weekend

3. Video games should be eliminated or at least limited to the weekend.

4. You should be talking with your child’s teacher what they recommend for speeding up their math achievements.

5. Apply those strategies regularly.

Steps to your child’s middle and high school success:

1. GPA, minimum 3.25, recommended is 3.5 or higher if going to college

2. Regular contact with your child’s teacher and guidance counselor to monitor how they are doing so problems don’t get too far along.

3. Take SAT multiple times.

4. Volunteering at different places, minimum 100 hours.

If you haven’t been watching the news, college tuitions will be going up regularly for now on because of the skyrocketing government debt. So if you want scholarship or grant money your child will have to be in the top 10% of their class. What makes a good parent is not talking about being a good leader to your children. It is living it.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Continuing on with some political venting, I would like to move on to a different angle.

What makes a good parent, in regards to social problems and education, is being responsible in teaching your children about living within a budget, the value of the dollar, and that real values come from within and can’t be bought at the store. Real values and happiness come from parents teaching values that empower. Those values include ethics, responsibility and reasonable expectations based on contribution.

When I was looking at those students march at the Berkeley campus yesterday I couldn’t help but feeling that these kids had no connection between social problems and education as it related to their tuition. These kids were just upset that they would have to actually pay for the amazing education that they wanted. What makes a good parent is, when seeing their kids march, to teach them that the state is in financial trouble and that if they want to be part of that state they have to pay their part. What makes a good parent is to teach their kids that its good to want great things but that great things come with a price tag. America was built on excellence, but great things are earned, great things are created, great things are gotten through hard work. Great things are not an entitlement to be given just because you want it.

It is my opinion that the relationship between social problems and education has been one of the biggest unspoken problems facing America. What makes a good parent in regards to social problems and education is that education starts and finishes in the home. It is essential in the home to set the stage for your children that they are responsible to a) do well in school and b) there is no free ride and c) if you don’t you want to pay, there are a lot of scholarships to get if you work hard enough. It is not the government’s responsibility to pay for your college. Furthermore, when the government does pay some of it, it is because there is money in the budget to pay for it. So if you want money available then you need to vote for people who aren’t giving it away to every special interest group. Unfortunately, for those students marchings, the special interest groups are the teacher’s unions that keep wanting more.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at http://www.takebackthehome.com .

Winston Churchill once wrote “If you aren’t liberal as a youth, you have no heart, but if you aren’t a conservative as an adult, you have no brain. We are coming into the time where our country will reach a period of reasonably rational thought or a period of seeing the greatest country, maybe of all time, fall into the dark ages.

As I watched the students demonstrate I wanted to be there, not to join them, but to ask them why they think the tuition is going up and what role they, themselves, played in it happening. From the intensity of the march and the taking over of the building, I’m thinking it never occurred to them that they, and their fellow Californians, who voted for the present state and federal government, helped create, or completely created the tuition hike that they are marching against.

Social problem and education collide when there is no connection of education to the realities of economics. This coming year, California will have a 23 billion dollar budget deficit. How do the students think this state is going to pay for it? The UC campus is a state funded system. Do we think that at any time someone taught the students that states, like families have only so much money to live on? If a family spends more than it has it will go bankrupt, so too the state. If we keep electing officials, who think that their job is to get elected rather than serve the public and the only way to do that is to pander to special interest groups, in this case the teacher’s unions and the labor unions that have pension plans and ins. plans that only the richest Americans can afford then the students will eventually have to pay for it. Hence, we have the present clash of social problems and education.

Now, I’m not so cold hearted to not want every American to do well. I have 3 kids in college myself next year. Although, I am literally freaking out about my finances for this situation, I don’t delude myself as to the cause of the price hike. American colleges have not moved to the place they ought to be, namely a place where truth is told. Liberal arts are great, but students should also be taught that fiscal responsibility is just as important.

Social problems and education have never been more connected than the dramatic increase in tuition we are all going to face.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

When you live in gratefulness, you appreciate more what you have. When you appreciate more what you have, you are a better parent, a better spouse a better citizen. When you are grateful your family enjoys you more and you them. You will find the only real way to peace.

Good parenting skills begin with the idea of gratefulness and leads to what makes a good parent. Next, gratefulness needs to be expressed as greater acknowledgement of others. Thanking your spouse for being there for you, not just as a concept, but in practical things. Thanking your spouse for cooking and cleaning, for going to work, for loving you is critical. Thanking your kids for doing well in school or doing their chores without too much a fuss is critical. Being grateful is a key ingredient in parenting skills and what makes a good parent when the kids aren’t doing well. It doesn’t mean don’t set rules or punish. It means explaining better what the rules are and why you have them so they can learn.

Be grateful today for your family and your life.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek
Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Let’s start with why you became a family in the first place. Parenting skills and what makes a good parent is all about keeping an eye on the prize. What is the prize? It is recognizing, through all the craziness that is going on all around you, that you are truly lucky, fortunate and blessed to have a family. For this conversation, let’s visualize the last statement to only include your nuclear family. If your bigger family isn’t a huge challenge for you, you can also include your parents and in-laws and cousins.

In parenting skills, marriage skills and what makes a good parent what starts the road to happiness starts with remembering back to when you were alone and you wanted to have someone in your life who was in this life with you. Whether you knew it or not you were searching for that partner. Now, you have it. It may not seem all you wanted it to be but that is just because you and your partners, (your spouse and kids), forget sometimes about the fortunate situation you have, namely having each other.

It is critical, when dealing with parenting skills, what makes a good parent and spouse is twofold. The first, is to acknowledge others in the family for being there with you. Simple things like thanking the kids for doing their chores or cleaning their room like they are supposed to do, is that kind of acknowledgement. Being excited, authentically when your spouse comes home is that kind of acknowledgement. The second part is to be thankful that G-d gave you these blessings, namely your family. If everyone is healthy, be thankful for that. If there are health issues, be thankful for the time you have.

Parenting skills and what makes a good parent action steps:

1. Greet family members with a hug when they come home, always or as often as possible.
2. Have as many family meals together as often as possible. No complaining here, just enjoyment and courtesy
3. Speak to other family members how lucky you feel for what you have. There is always something to be thankful for. Remember you have them and they have you
4. Everyone helps with chores in the house, so it is a team effort.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

My oldest son in college had a full scholarship. All he needed was to keep a B average. We prepped him about the challenges of being responsible and girls and keeping it together. We lead him to the water but he found partying more attractive. He didn’t keep his B average. He lost 75% of his scholarship.

I told him he had to get a loan for the remainder to make up for the short fall. He was so upset he wanted to drop out. I told him he could but if he did he wasn’t moving back in the house and we would give him $1000 to get started but that was it. Furthermore, to get the money he had to draw up a budget for himself. Once he realized how quickly he would have nothing he changed his mind. What makes a good parent is accepting what you can do for your kids and explaining to them why you are doing what you are doing. They might not like it but you will have done all you can do.

Whatever you do with your kids…what makes a good parent is to instill consistent values that you think will empower your children to be good, successful people.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I took the computers away except for school and never allowed computers in their room. The computer addiction was quite apparent at this time. They were screaming, slamming doors and sleeping a lot. We talked a lot with them at this point. They weren’t happy but started to come out of their room. What came out of their mouth, made me want them back in their room but it slowly got better. They literally transformed to much more enjoyable kids again.

In the words of Marshall Mclewen, our society is becoming a nation of vidiots. But I don’t think even Marshall could have predicted the computer addiction of today. To you parents, who have young children, do yourself, and your children, a favor. Keep their computer in a public room so you can monitor their time and content. I would highly suggest the computer should only be for educational endeavors. For you parents of teens, use the same rule. Keep their computer in a public area. No computer, during the week for anything but school stuff. On the weekend, only let your teens have an agreed upon time frame for using the computer.

Computer addiction is insidious and all around you. Your child’s growth is partly based on real socializing with you and their peers face to face. Create the computer rules of the house so it empowers your children to grow.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The way to success in the blended family is dependant on family in your world view. It’s easy to talk family is the most important thing to you, but do you live it?

During these stressful financial times it’s critical to have family dinners, not as an after thought but as a priority. Because our younger kids spend time between their birth mother and our family I make sure that the Sabbath dinner is something special. We aren’t hammering the kids with rituals but we do light the candles, drink wine and break the bread. It is a connecting point. In your family, do something that you guys can connect to in your blended family. Make the meals pleasant and fun.

If some of the kids are off to college call the step kids and talk about their school, their girl or boy friends. Just be real and re-cement the relationship that came into being when you began your blended family. Remember families are for life this time around.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Remember what these “what makes a good parent” articles are about. They are about being able to let go with your teen and not be miserable. Trust me, the less you are stressing out about your teen going out, the better the experience is going to be for you and for them. If you know they have good common sense and represent you well out in the world, you will be less stressed. If they are doing well in school, you will feel better about letting them go out. Furthermore, on this front, when they are doing well in school they tend to hang out with a better, brighter group. Lastly, when they are staying out late or for a long time, knowing that you can get a hold of them greatly diminishes stress.

On a closing note, with this “what makes a good parent” topic, allowing your teen to have more freedom and seeing that for the most part they handle it well, is another opportunity for you to be proud of the job you are doing as a parent. Remember, raising great responsible kids, is a critical part of helping create a great society. When you look around at all the problems in society and all the bad news on TV you will be able to feel good that you are playing a huge part in not adding to the mess.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent is preparing for this inevitable time by setting up ground rules. The first thing for you to think about, as a parent, is having rules about what kind of things have to take place for the teen to earn the right to have more independence. Yes, I just said that going out is a privilege and not a right. It is critical, as a parent, that this rule is not negotiable. I can to tell you from experience that if you don’t want to spend long hours worrying about them or not worrying and getting that phone call that you don’t want to get, take control.

Now, let’s talk about what some of those rules ought to be in order to get those privileges.

The “What makes a good parent” rules:

• The teen needs to exhibit a responsible demeanor that justifies new privileges

• The teen needs to being doing well in school

• The teen needs to respond to a parent in a way that the parent can be comfortable when the teen is away

Responsible demeanor means your teen recognizes that you are the boss and not them. It means that they have a responsibility to act with dignity out in the world and not like a thug. Teens are a work in progress. They learn by watching their friends or by other teens they want to be friends with. Without teaching your teens about their responsibilities, they will be quite susceptible to those other teens. What makes a good parent is teaching them constantly what a good demeanor is and rewarding them for displaying good judgment with more privileges and taking away privileges for bad judgment.

Now, we are going to discuss good grades. You can’t get around it, parents. A huge part of what makes a good parent is helping your teen achieve in life. Socializing is an important part of growth in teenagers. No one is arguing that. But be a leader with your teen. If they aren’t doing well in school, they aren’t going to do better with more socializing. It is critical that your teen associates privileges with doing well in school. If you have bought into the idea that grades don’t really matter, I have 3 words for you… “get over it”. If your teen is not doing well in school, they shouldn’t be going out, period, until they improve.

Please read part 3.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I would like to talk about a few points that will help bring it to an empowering time rather than a miserable one. Before we make these points, we need some ground rules. First you must accept  independence as a natural occurrence. The second thing is the parent needs to evaluate, within themselves, why they would or wouldn’t allow a teen to have more privileges. The third part is that for a parent to allow more independence, the teen needs to exhibit a few important characteristics.

Let’s first talk about independence as a natural occurrence.

What makes a good parent is to recognize that raising children, as all encompassing as it is, is an ever changing dynamic. When they are babies, raising children is about being responsible for another being. While that part never goes away, as they get older it is about teaching them valuable lessons about how good people behave and responsibility and ethics, while, at the same time, being loving.

Sometimes, we as parents don’t want to let them out because after all our hard work we want them around just so we can watch our accomplishments. We can get frustrated that they want to “leave us” all the time and hang out with their friends rather than us.

What makes a good parent is fighting this frustration and turning the emotion into a positive one. We can do this by acknowledging that it isn’t about them leaving us. It is about us having done a great job that they feel strong enough to go out and explore the world. So first, congratulate yourself that you accomplished that, then, make sure that when they go out that these young entities aren’t going to get themselves into trouble.

In part 2 of “What makes a good parent and knowing when to let go” we are going to discuss the points in how to successfully deal with letting go.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

John Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country”. It was probably one of the best lines any leader has ever said to their fellow countrymen. It was meant as a catalyst for action to do what has always made America great. It meant you are your country so do something for it. Barak Obama had some of the same message for our kids. Stay in school. Do your best. Achieve. But I don’t agree with everything he said nor with some of his tactics, specifically asking children to help him pass his reforms an bills. I believe in what we can do for our country, but let kids be kids.

Last week the president was going to address the children and teens of America. On the whole, I think it is a great idea to have the leaders of this country speak to our youth. I personally feel there is too much of a disconnect between Americans and between Americans and their country. Like another young president, John Kennedy, Barak Obama has a chance to move the young of America. What makes a good parent in the home is leadership. What makes a good parent of the country is leadership.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Ask all the prevalent questions. Have a meeting with the teacher without the student and maybe afterwards, with the your child. Stand firm. Let the child or teen know all the facts you have found out and help them form a strategy for success in the class.  Let them know you will be monitoring them so that the strategy will be implemented. Regularly, let them know that this kind of strategy is what they will need to do in their life to increase the odds that they will be successful and that’s why they need to do it.

Let’s now talk about standing firm.

You may be thinking, “Dr. Bocknek hasn’t said anything about how or when to stand firm.”

You are right!

But you can’t solve two problems if you can’t even solve one. This means you have to have a strategy for success for your kids first before you can help them work through their mistakes. So far we have been talking about how to implement a successful strategy. What makes a good parent is recognizing that no strategy always works and no one always follows the strategy.

Parents, you do no service to your children by not having them take personal responsibility for their outcomes. This doesn’t mean throwing your children in jail. It does mean you can’t keep protecting them when they don’t do the right thing.

Standing firm with your children is about helping them to be a success in life. What makes a good parent is having an honest relationship with your children, where they know that they are expected to do the right thing and when they don’t that there is a penalty. Having children is a responsibility to yourself, your family and your country. Stand firm with your kids. You will be happy you did.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Have you ever watched an infant bang their head while crawling under the coffee table and then have the parent soothe the crying baby by hitting the table and saying “bad table”? It’s funny. Right? The baby will often be happier then.

What did we teach the baby? We didn’t teach them to be careful and learn, did we?

Now, I’m not saying you can’t do that but what makes a good parent is helping them learn.

Let’s now use a more important example.

Let’s say your teen is doing poorly in a class and you confront him or her about it. They claim their teacher is being unfair to them or their teacher doesn’t like them. What should you do?

I have many times witnessed parents running into the school yelling at the school or the teacher. I have also experienced parents yelling at their kids without finding out what happened. With either of these approaches what did your child learn and which approach is better? Maybe a better question is what didn’t they learn?

What makes a good parent is helping them learn and succeed through mistakes. Let’s look at common outcomes to the two previous mentioned situations.

I believe the worst outcome happens when the parent yells at the school especially in the presence of the child. Why? Because what can the child learn? They can learn that blaming others for their outcome in life is a totally reasonable way to get out of problems. It completely removes responsibility from your child. It may feel good to do this. It creates short term pleasure as having the blame removed from them. The problem is that the long term trouble of not taking responsibility for one’s self can only lead to chronic problems in the future as the child learns no strategy of how to get out of trouble.

The second strategy, of yelling at your child, at least confronts the child to take responsibility for their outcomes. Humans are motivated by getting out of pain or moving toward pleasure, so yelling at them will make them do something that will get them out of pain. The problem is that sometimes they will study harder to get out of pain and sometimes they will avoid you or do drugs to get out of the pain. Successful strategies aim at moving your child through good decision making. When they understand how to get a desired result the odds of success are much better.

Please read part 3 of What makes a good parent and standing firm.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

2) Acknowledgment.

Have you noticed it’s easy to find fault and comment on it? What doesn’t come as natural is acknowledging a good act. It’s important to acknowledge good behavior in your teenager. What makes a good parent is creating an environment in the home so your teenager is constantly rewarded when they do good things. A key point here is that rewarding doesn’t mean presents. It means saying “thank you, I appreciate that”, and meaning it. Do this often until it becomes a habit. The effect of this is two fold. The first being it creates a positive behavior and atmosphere in the home. The second is that when your teenager is messing up you can comment on it without it seeming for the teenager that all you do is attack them.

3) Be the boss.

If you have read previous articles, you know about the importance of roles in the family. What makes a good parent is realizing teenagers need to be lead. They are moving to adulthood, but not there yet. They are learning how to be an adult. You need to guide them.  Create the rules of the house and make sure the rules are followed. Read past articles to see how you can set this up in your home.

Here we are then. Why do you need these expectations for your teenagers? I think it was Napoleon Hill who said “if you want to be poor, watch what poor people do and copy it. If you want to be successful, watch what successful people do and copy them”. You are what you do and who you surround yourself with. What makes a good parent is surrounding your teenager with an environment that makes them feel they are good people and then arm them with tools that helps them present themselves well.

Creating reasonable expectations in your teenager like keeping their word, acknowledging others, doing well in school are all a parent can do for them. Love your teenagers by giving them a good start in life. A good life starts with expectations.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Since you are reading this article you probably are a parent and you have already experienced and learned many lessons about adulthood. My question to you then, is do you want your teenagers to suffer through the same mistakes you went through on your way to adulthood, or, are you out to help them navigate through the waters?

What makes a good parent is finding ways to bring your teenager to adulthood as painlessly as possible. In part 1, we talked about doing well in school and using GPA as a measuring stick. Now let’s talk about living life with integrity.

Living life with integrity is easy to say, harder to do. Don’t you agree? Teaching it to your teenager is yet even harder. What makes a good parent is bringing the living by integrity lifestyle into the home. Here are some basic points to follow:

1) Keeping your word.

Following through with what you say you are going to do and teaching the value of this concept to your teenagers is one of the best gifts you could ever give to your teenager. The ease with which people will say anything with no follow through is a real virus in society today. Look no further than our present economic and political environment.

Berney Madoff cheated rabbinical schools of money for 10 years. These schools are the primary religious training facilities in the Jewish faith. Even more disgusting is that behind this, the government regulating boards, which were notified no less than 28 times of his scam, over a 10 year period, did nothing and no one seemed to care.

What makes a good parent is living by your word so when your teenager doesn’t follow through with chores, school or even being on time you can lead them by example. It’s important when they are keeping their word that you acknowledge them for doing so.

Living with integrity is one of the most important gifts you can give to yourself and your teenager.

Please read the continuing portion of this article in Part 3.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent is being able to come up with a plan for your teenager, implementing it and then, when things don’t go according to plan, being able to alter the plan to keep your teen moving in a good direction.

Where do you begin when coming up with a plan?

What makes a good parent requires, you as the parent, stepping back from your own busy schedule and taking the time to give quality energy into thinking about what you want for your teenagers. This doesn’t mean general terms like, “you want them to be happy, you want them to be successful or you want them to be good people”.

If you have taken the time to read my previous posts you will know that I have written extensively on these core principles before. Let’s leave it to say, for this article, that your teenager being happy, successful and a good person are the building blocks of true success in life, but here I want to be more specific.

Let’s spend a little time with some concrete action steps and ideas for implementing what makes a good parent. We will be keeping our discussion today to addressing teenagers in high school or college.

1) Grade point average. Like it or not GPA is a critical measuring stick of how your teenager is doing. For those of you reading this and thinking GPA doesn’t matter, I highly encourage you to look inside and recognize the err of your thought process. You most likely are falling into one of two categories,

a) You are being defensive because your teenager isn’t doing well, or

b) you are one of those people stuck in the sixties progressive (actually regressive) mindsets that competition is bad.

The facts are that colleges look at GPA when your teen is applying for school, when they are in school and when they are applying for grad school. If time is an issue for you as a parent then you should know GPA is probably the easiest way for a parent to judge how their teenager is standing up relative to other teenagers and to how your parenting style is working.

So what you want to do is sit down with your teenager and let them know what your expectations are in regards to GPA, (I highly recommend 3.5 because scholarships and grants often use that number as the minimum requirement). Then you let your teenager know that attaining that GPA is going to be the centerpiece of what they think about.

Teenagers need to understand that doing well in school is their job. You take your job seriously and they need to take their job seriously. Creating this mindset will go a long way for them to create success in their life.

Please read part 2 of Parenting and expectations with teenagers.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I want to start this discussion with the premise that your desire to have a great relationship with your children, is a core part of what you view as what makes a good parent.

Let’s start by looking at how we view activities with our children. What makes a good parent is getting to the mindset that scheduling in time with our kids, (including our teens), is an essential pathway to creating a positive relationship with our children.

What did what I just said mean? It meant explain to your kids why you want to schedule in time with them.

What makes a good parent is;

1.) wanting to be with your kids,

2.) communicating that message to them,

3.) engaging them in conversation when you are with them,

4.) acknowledge your love for them and encourage them to do the same.

If you do nothing but these four steps with your kids, you will see a huge improvement in your relationship with them. What these times do for you and your kids is cement them understanding how much you care for them. What this allows you to do then is, when the time comes when they do badly in school, or are disobedient and you have to discipline them, makes the situation about bad behavior and not about how you feel about them. This is the value of appropriate unconditional positive regard as discussed in part 1 of this article.

What makes a good parent is enjoying your kids, leading your kids, having unconditional positive regard for your kids and making them great additions to your country.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent begins with the parent’s unconditional positive regard for their children. But what does unconditional positive regard mean? I would like to begin with telling you what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean when your child is failing or doing poorly in school that you say, “its ok honey, you’ll do better next time”. It doesn’t mean, when your children talks back to you that you take it because you love them.

What makes a good parent is standing up, and leading your children with unconditional positive regard as I’m going to describe to you right now.

When your child is doing poorly in school, you begin with taking responsibility within yourself how you weren’t on top of how they were doing. I’m not going to call you a bad parent if your child does poorly in school. But, I can tell you, what ever parenting style you use, if your child repeats poor performance a second straight semester and you haven’t made major changes in what you as a parent do, you are not doing what makes a good parent.

So what would you do in this circumstance? You lay down the law. Sit down with them and tell them of your expectations. You go to the school and have a meeting with their teachers to find out what is going on. (On this point, you will not go to the school with the aim of blaming the teachers for your child’s failures. This is not unconditional positive regard. This is stupidity).

After you have heard what the teachers say, you then sit down with your child and explain to them that you love them and because you love them these are the steps we are going to take until the grades come up to an acceptable level. These steps could be like no computer or video games. No going out until after homework is done and you have checked it.

This is unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard means that you always love your children and you let them know it. It also means that you take a stand for them when you feel they are out of line with what you as a parent think is right for them. In effect, as a parent, you take responsibility.

Stay tuned for part 2

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

My point here is what makes a good parent isn’t always in line with good people with good intentions. Here’s what I mean. I know the boy’s mother. She is doing everything she can to make him successful in her mind. She has great intentions for her son and for the most part she is doing a great job with him, but he is really stressed out about his future and is only 15 years old.

For you parents reading this story, let me give you some advice. What makes a good parent is leadership.

Leadership for a 15 year old should entail the following:

• He or she should do well in school

• He or she should be respectful, polite and basically a good person

• He or she should have chores in the house to facilitate responsibility

• He or she should have limited time on the internet and video games

• He or she should be out enough during free time to learn social skills

• He or she should be doing volunteer work, (important for college)

• He or she be encouraged to participate in fun stuff

• He or she should have down time to do whatever they want

Our teens need to work hard and be good people but they are just coming off childhood. What makes a good parent is part keeping a watchful eye on them, part pushing them and part allowing them the space to learn from their own experiences. This third part is critical.

We need to remember our kid’s happiness is at the heart of their success. Fifteen year olds should not be thinking or worried about their future. If they know what they want to do at that age, well, you are just lucky.

So please for your teens sake, remember to tell them how proud you are of them, how much you love them and cut them some slack if they are doing great.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.