But, this article is not about failed marriages or tragedy. It is about what happens when two people have learned from their mistakes and make a new wonderful loving family. It is about the possibilities that can be a reality. The reality being that humans can rebound and take hurt and loss and make a new beginning. This is about success in blended families.

What does it take to make success in blended families? The first thing that is required is for the two adults to look at whether their core values are in line.

What does this mean?

Core values are the 3 or 4 most important feelings each person hold close to their center. Core values could be happiness, love, trust , integrity, etc.

One might think that every one has the same value system, but this isn’t true. More often than not, women hold love as their number one value, whereas men most often hold significance as theirs. Blended families problems can escalate by not understanding this.

An example of why this can cause a problem is love often entails expressing closeness whereas significance entails defining oneself to do better in the job world and leading to independence. Independence requires distance from others.

In order for blended families to work we can’t have one person constantly feeling like they need space to stay comfortable and the other feeling like they need to decrease that same space to feel comfortable. Almost all conflicts in couples are about perceived violations of the others core values.

How do we know what our core values are?

Make a list of ten to fifteen values you believe in and compare them by taking two and deciding which one is more important to you. The one that is more important to you then needs to be compared to the next one on the list until you can accept which ones are most important.

This tool is hugely valuable in understanding yourself and how your values mesh with someone you are ready to get serious with. No matter how strong the feelings are blended families success will be based on how the parent’s core values mesh or conflict.

In the next blended families article we’ll discuss how to overcome value conflicts.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parenting and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Steps to solving our social problems and education problems:

1. Take responsibility for your economic situation
2. Talk to your kids that it is not ok when politicians cheat
3. Spend more time teaching your kids your values
4. Be honest and admit when you don’t know something
5. If you don’t know something important in your life, learn it
6. Show your kids you are willing to learn
7. Get involved with your local politics
8. Be a better person today than you were yesterday
9. Be an example to others
10. Live your life like you have to earn the right to be an American

Social problems and education problems begin in the home. A great country is made up of great cities and towns. Great cities and towns are made up of great families. Great families are made up of great parents, who lead their family with integrity, ethics and morals. Great families don’t blame others for their troubles. They gather together and work together to solve their problems. They don’t cheat to get out of their problems and don’t accept others who cheat to get out theirs. They only vote for people who hold up to those standards.

We, as Americans don’t always have to agree, but we do have to be dignified.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families. See him at his website, TakeBackthehome.com , or Keyboardculture.com, or email him directly at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

But, I thought America was different. I believed, that in my country, ethics and integrity stood for something. I believed that people weren’t so cynical and that the truth mattered. Well, my point is this. The social problems and education problems of that country are at our doorstep and if we don’t change direction soon, we are going to become that country.

I believe that the first obvious sign of this began at the Monika Lewinsky scandal of the Bill Clinton years. It’s the first time I recall that the public was more interested in getting past a major scandal than handling it. When Nixon was caught in Watergate, we all new it was wrong and we were rightly outraged and correctly insisted that he leave. Social problems and education problems were still connected and dealt with. We recognized that we can’t have that kind of behavior because of what it could mean for our country. It was painful but we dealt with it. In closer analysis, though, let’s look at it. With Nixon, he didn’t commit the crime, but he covered it up, and that was enough to remove him. With Clinton, he disgraced the office of the president and then right on camera he lied to the American people, saying “I didn’t have sex with that woman”. I remember, myself, thinking what a slime, but let’s get on with it. I didn’t realize what just took place for America. What took place was, we just lowered the bar for ourselves twelve notches. I believe this event was the genesis of social problems and education problems in America that we see today.

If, at this point, you are thinking this is a political bashing commentary, it only goes to show how far we have fallen. If you are reading this blog and cannot see what I am talking about as a crisis of ethics and not politics, its time to introspect. Moving forward to what is going on in America today. Five of President Obama’s picks for government have either been caught for fraudulent tax evasion or are being followed. America, doesn’t even care for the most part. They want to raise our taxes but don’t pay their own but America doesn’t care. In the new tax stimulus package, the American people were supposed to be able to review it for 48 hours prior to it being signed. They didn’t even let us see it. America didn’t care. We are going into 1.8 trillion dollars of debt and we don’t care enough to see it. What happened to American outrage that was there when Nixon covered up a break in? Its gone. Social problems and education problems of our next generation are just getting started. Immediate action is needed immediately.

See part 3 where Dr. Bocknek starts to talk about solutions.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families. See him at his website, TakeBackthehome.com , or Keyboardculture.com, or email him directly at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

The first point goes to accountability and ethics. For many years I lived in Asia. Although, I loved my experience living there, let me tell you something I observed. The president of that country took government land and built 3 golf courses and proceeded to give them to his wife. The Premiere sold public land in the city to his family and built condos on what used to be a park. He became a billionaire. Everyone knew it and expected it. What kind of social problems and education problems do you think this had on the population? Let me tell you how it trickles down. I was importing mattresses and pillows there. If I didn’t kick back money to the customs guy, they would either steal stuff wholesale or they would make me wait an extra 90 days to get my stuff out of customs to sell.

Why I bring this up is, the thing I was most proud of America was that although I knew there was corruption, it wasn’t pervasive like that country. In that country, everyone knew to get ahead you had to pay someone. Teachers got gifts from parents for good grades and recommendations. You literally had to put in your budget extra money for payoffs. What role do you think this plays in social problems and education in that country? Let me tell you. That country was Taiwan. I was there during the first ever democratic elections in that country. China didn’t want us to have elections so during the election they start shooting missiles within 5 miles of our shore. The atmosphere in Taiwan was very tense. What happened next was one of my proudest moments as an American. America sent its fleet into the Taiwan Strait right to where the missiles were landing stopping China in its tracts. China proceeded to take away 10 billion dollars of contracts with , Chrysler, DuPont and other companies and gave them to the Europeans. Here’s where the social problems and education problems come in. Shortly after this time I had many discussions with very bright, wealthy and educated Taiwanese about this event. Their perspective, unanimously, was the U.S. only did it for business. Even though, I told them about how much business the U.S. lost they couldn’t believe the U.S. could do it for the right reasons. They said no government does things like that. Ethics and integrity of that country had fallen so far that there is no belief in hope or doing good for goodness sake.

Please read part 2 of social problems and education in America.

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for parents and families. See him at his website, TakeBackthehome.com , or Keyboardculture.com, or email him directly at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com.

Today we are going to talk about when, in blended families, the stepchild doesn’t accept the stepparent. Before going too far it is really important to handle this issue before the families come together. If in your case it didn’t it is not something that can’t be handled, but it will take a little more work. The adage “when you have lemons, make lemonade” really applies here.

Blended families are usually formed because two adults feel they have found that person who really is “the one”. When people get married the first time, often they were naive and too young to know better. Now, however, hopefully they have learned a thing or two. This can be used to the advantage in blended families.

The first step to success is, the biological parent, alone, needs to sit down with the stepchild and explain how you are really in love with this new stepdad or stepmom. It is essential, no matter how you feel about your ex-spouse to say that they will always be there and that the stepparent is not a replacement for them. They are an addition, that you love, and given time and effort by the child, they can love too.

In blended families never, I repeat, never ever tell the child if they don’t like the stepparent you will break it off. This is only feeding into your guilt that you don’t deserve to have love again because of your failure in the previous marriage. Only two things can come from this mistake; 1) you don’t get to have love or 2) either you have resentment or the child has guilt. Always remember the parent is the leader of the family, blended families or otherwise and you deserve to have a great partner.

The key is to get the child to realize they have a responsibility to get along and to try to make it work. They need to know it is part of the role that they play in the family so the family can succeed. The child, often, doesn’t see the potential of this new family. It is your job to paint the vision for them. Children are only seeking comfort through knowing that their home is safe and stable.

Next, both parents talk to the child. The stepparent’s job here is to connect with patience. Again, in blended families, parents need to be leaders. The stepparent needs to reinforce the message that they are not there to replace the biological parent, in their heart, but that having a relationship with the child is really important not only to the two of them but to the success of the entire family.

Dr. Robert Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is ”the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”. Check out his sight at takebackthehome.com. You can email him at Bocknek(at)takebackthehome.com.