How has your blended family blended? Is there tension between the kids, between you and your spouse, you and your step kids?

The way to success in the blended family is dependant on family in your world view. It’s easy to talk family is the most important thing to you, but do you live it?

During these stressful financial times it’s critical to have family dinners, not as an after thought but as a priority. Because our younger kids spend time between their birth mother and our family I make sure that Continue reading How is Your Blended Family?

Being a parent, otherwise known as how to bankrupt a person one college at a time, has truly been one of the most satisfying experiences of my life. Being the father of 4 in a blended family, I thought I would share some thought on, in my view, what makes a good parent.

What makes a good parent starts with realizing you don’t know everything and then conveying this idea to your kids. Once you’ve had this epiphany, the doors are open for you to talk to your kids in a way that really is fun and enriching. Why I say this is an epiphany is because relationships are based on connection.

Connection is based on Continue reading Getting the Most Out of Parenting

Ok, so now we have discussed patience and taking responsibility in blended families.

Let’s talk about Leadership in blended families.

Leadership, by parents, is the cornerstone of success in blended families. Leadership means that the parents are going to run the family. It means that the parents are going to get past a lot of past baggage from previous relationships and act like adults.

The rules are not set in stone on how to set up the leadership structure of the family, but one thing that is set in stone is that at least one of the parents, in blended families, must be that leader. The children cannot be the leader. This last sentence may sound absolutely ridiculous to many of you but I can tell you I have counseled many families and blended families where that was the case. Its not that the kids Continue reading Patience and Leadership in Blended Families: Part 3

In the last article on “Patience and Leadership in Blended Families” we talked about the need for patience in bringing two families together to become a blended family.

Before we can move on to leadership in blended families, we need to talk about a sensitive area. That being, “What didn’t we do so great in our first marriage”. The worst thing we can do, I believe, when attempting to start a new family, is not look at how we can improve our skill levels as parents prior  to the commencement of it.

Let’s get it out in the open. No matter how much we want to blame the “ex”, ask the question, “Does it help me or my new family any bit to blame the ex”? Of course, it doesn’t! All we can do is keep improving ourselves. Understand, for what ever reason you are starting new blended families, (I say families because we are all in this together), you are taking a bold and risky step. I did it myself. So, I know.

How are you going to prepare yourself to be a better spouse and parent in new blended families?

I like quotes, so I’m going to give you one here. Continue reading Patience and Leadership in Blended Families: Part 2

Blended families, for those who are new to the term, is the bringing together of two adults and their kids in one household. For me, this means a committed relationship and not just people moving in together for convenience or economics. Its not that the non committed relationship can’t become a great family…it just isn’t defined as one yet.

Let’s get to it then.

In blended families, everyone needs to have patience. America has become, what I call, a fast food society. We want everything fast. We want our food fast. We want our problems resolved fast. We want results fast. Unfortunately, or fortunately, life isn’t a McDonalds^TM hamburger. In life, there isn’t a counter we can just walk up to, know what we want, know what the price will be and pretty much know how long it will take.

Humans need time to adapt, even little humans. In blended families, we have the offspring of two marriages Continue reading Patience and Leadership in Blended Families

In the last blog of “Fathers in Teenage Parenting” we talked about the father’s role in early teenage parenting. In this one, let’s talk about the father’s role in mid to late teenage parenting.

By the mid to late teens years, important dynamics often start that makes the father’s presence even more important than in previous years.

Starting with teenage parenting with the boys; Boys often don’t want to be seen with their mothers, in public and are challenging them, in private. This is a natural occurrence as young male energy starts to emerge. When there is a father in the house, he can relate to the male energy and can discuss it with them. Its not that it’s always easy but the father can set the example of how a responsible male needs to behave in society. He can give examples of how he handled mother issues and the ever uncomfortable puberty issues that no male teenager will discuss with their mother.

When I took the helm with my wife and her two boys for teen parenting duties, they were 13 and 15 years old. They were raised with no male in the house and were utterly dominating her. Let me tell you it hasn’t always been easy, but has been incredibly rewarding. I instilled chores, rules, allowances and school expectations. I also instilled for them to go out more to be with their friends without supervision, something my wife was scared to do.

Now let’s Deal with teenage parenting issues Continue reading Fathers in Teenage Parenting 3

In teenage parenting, especially in blended families, the presence of the father or step father is hugely important in the development of the teenager. In the first Fathers in Teenage Parenting blog post, we talked about the difference in nurturing capacities between mothers and fathers with the preteen.

Let’s now look at how the father can impact the nurturing of the blossoming teenager.

What is different in teenage parenting vs. preteen parenting in regards to the father?

The first thing to remember is that the blossoming teenager is starting to spread his or her wings. They are becoming more independent. This is often a very trying time for parents. Parents are starting to realize Continue reading Fathers in Teenage Parenting 2

Today, I would like to speak on the importance of the father in raising kids in teenage parenting.

Our family is a blended family. Between my wife and me we have four kids, three boys and a girl. This year they will be 20, 18, 17 and 15. Here’s what I have noticed. Understand, what I’m about to say is not to insult or judge teenage parenting styles, (well, ok there will be some judgment, but where would we be without judgment, LOL).

Let’s first talk some of what mothers bring to the table. Mothers, first and foremost, bring an amazing ability to love their children in a way that men almost never do. They worry about things like sickness, eating well and staying up too late as if each decision carries the weight of the world on it.

Women just have a nurturing side that is incredible. Its not that men don’t have a nurturing side, (of course we do)…it’s just not the same. Before teenage parenting begins, I believe, it is Continue reading Fathers in Teenage Parenting

So let’s talk about how to change our values.

First point is why would we want to?

When we want to bond with people, we need to learn and grow. We can’t expect others to be exactly like us and they can’t expect us to be exactly like them.

Secondly, we have to own the idea that somethings we do stink and somethings they do stink. We are all humans and somehow got in the habit of doing our lives the way we do it, but that doesn’t mean its right or good. Success in blended families begins with change.

The first thing to change is that love has to be a important value. Love is easy to say and more difficult to do. Love needs to be a verb. In other words, love your new family. If you don’t know if what you are doing makes the other side uncomfortable either ask them or go the distance and say to yourself, “I don’t know how they feel about this but If I wanted to do what was right…what would I do?”

This is loving them. In blended families you can quickly Continue reading Success in Blended Families 3

In Success in Blended Families Part 1, we talked about core values and the problems that can ensue when we aren’t aware of the differences.

In this “Success in the Blended Families” article let’s discuss how to overcome differences in core values. The first thing to mention is you don’t have to be an expert to survive in blended families, but the better you understand the potential pitfalls increases the odds of success. Just remember what is at stake. You are entering into a blended families situation because of points you missed in your first marriage. What we don’t want to do is make the same mistakes again. Right? So the best way is to become a student of yourself.

As written in Blended Families Part 1, understanding our core values is very important. Then understanding how they mesh with our partner is next. Partners can be very different on unimportant things but on the important stuff its not ok.

What determines what’s important? Continue reading Success in Blended Families: Part 2