The way to success in the blended family is dependant on family in your world view. It’s easy to talk family is the most important thing to you, but do you live it?

During these stressful financial times it’s critical to have family dinners, not as an after thought but as a priority. Because our younger kids spend time between their birth mother and our family I make sure that the Sabbath dinner is something special. We aren’t hammering the kids with rituals but we do light the candles, drink wine and break the bread. It is a connecting point. In your family, do something that you guys can connect to in your blended family. Make the meals pleasant and fun.

If some of the kids are off to college call the step kids and talk about their school, their girl or boy friends. Just be real and re-cement the relationship that came into being when you began your blended family. Remember families are for life this time around.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent starts with realizing you don’t know everything and then conveying this idea to your kids. Once you’ve had this epiphany, the doors are open for you to talk to your kids in a way that really is fun and enriching. Why I say this is an epiphany is because relationships are based on connection.

Connection is based on shared experiences and beliefs. Shared experiences are created by being together which only takes place if people want to be together. Shared beliefs take place when you share enough ideas. Shared ideas happen when you have enough conversations and conversations only take place if each person can contribute with confidence that their ideas can be expressed.

If your kids feel like you only think you are always right then they have nothing to contribute so don’t want to talk to you. So by admitting that you don’t know everything makes you more approachable as a leader. So the first part of what makes a good parent is opening up your human side to your kids so that they feel more free to opening up to you.

Remember, parents of teens, your kids are only going to be kids for a very short time and then they are gone. My first two are now gone to college. Most of your relationship with your kids will be an adult to adult relationship. While not always equal, who is the leader in the relationship, trust me, solidifying this relationship pays huge dividends later as they grow. It is a lot more fun with them if you enjoy being together.

We’ll talk more in part 2 of “Getting the most out of parenting.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Let’s talk about Leadership in blended families.

Leadership, by parents, is the cornerstone of success in blended families. Leadership means that the parents are going to run the family. It means that the parents are going to get past a lot of past baggage from previous relationships and act like adults.

The rules are not set in stone on how to set up the leadership structure of the family, but one thing that is set in stone is that at least one of the parents, in blended families, must be that leader. The children cannot be the leader. This last sentence may sound absolutely ridiculous to many of you but I can tell you I have counseled many families and blended families where that was the case. Its not that the kids made the rules of the house, but that there weren’t any rules in the house. Because of that, the kids wreaked complete chaos and literally dominated how the house was run. Here are some guidelines on leadership in blended families.

Guide to Leadership in Blended Families

1) One or both parents are the leaders

2) The family should be family centered, not child centered

3) Rules of the house are clearly defined

4) Roles each person plays in the house are clearly defined

5) Chores are given to each child, hopefully with allowances, if budget allows

6) Rewards and discipline are given because of breaking or fulfilling the roles

7) Rewards and discipline are consistent

Parents set the stage for constant expression of love to each other and the kids

9) Love yourself, love your spouse, love your kids

10) Regular family meals

This is a lot to take in. I know. This is why I’m creating “how to” courses on 20 of the most common upsets in the family.

I will let you know when these how to courses are available. I have shared many thoughts on common upsets in the family in my prior blog posts. Be sure to read my previous posts on “roles in the family, teenage parenting and parenting tips”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Before we can move on to leadership in blended families, we need to talk about a sensitive area. That being, “What didn’t we do so great in our first marriage”. The worst thing we can do, I believe, when attempting to start a new family, is not look at how we can improve our skill levels as parents prior  to the commencement of it.

Let’s get it out in the open. No matter how much we want to blame the “ex”, ask the question, “Does it help me or my new family any bit to blame the ex”? Of course, it doesn’t! All we can do is keep improving ourselves. Understand, for what ever reason you are starting new blended families, (I say families because we are all in this together), you are taking a bold and risky step. I did it myself. So, I know.

How are you going to prepare yourself to be a better spouse and parent in new blended families?

I like quotes, so I’m going to give you one here.

In an old show with Ed Asner, “Lou Grant”, Lou was getting a divorce after 20 some odd years and he was miserable. Sound familiar? Lou was talking with his boss and friend, (I will paraphrase, because I can’t remember the exact lines). He asked him, “Joe, you’ve been married all these years and seem so happy. How do you do it”? Joe said, “Back in my day we didn’t expect so much. Since we didn’t expect so much we got so much more”.

I’ve always loved that quote. I am not saying here you should have low expectations in this new marriage. What I am saying is if your expectations are reasonable, you are more likely to have a great marriage and family. Furthermore, in blended families, if your expectations of what kind of spouse you are going to be, what kind of parent and step parent you are going to be, are better than the first marriage, you are much more likely to be successful in this new marriage and family.

Another part of this preparation is identifying things, with your children, that weren’t too great when you were living alone that you and they are going to improve on in this new family.

Always remember, every moment of every day is an opportunity to be a better you for you, your new spouse and new blended families.

Please read “Patience and Leadership in Blended Families” part 3.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Let’s get to it then.

In blended families, everyone needs to have patience. America has become, what I call, a fast food society. We want everything fast. We want our food fast. We want our problems resolved fast. We want results fast. Unfortunately, or fortunately, life isn’t a McDonalds^TM hamburger. In life, there isn’t a counter we can just walk up to, know what we want, know what the price will be and pretty much know how long it will take.

Humans need time to adapt, even little humans. In blended families, we have the offspring of two marriages or living arrangements in which the parent’s skill level, maturity level or connection level wasn’t up to task. Even though we are trying again to bond with another adult, our kids just have to live with our decision.

This article isn’t about blame and failure. It is about amassing enough skill to make our new blended families a success.

Patience plays a huge role in success. Increasing the patience level isn’t just for the parents. Each member in blended families comes in with how things ought to be done in the family. All your child knows was how it was done before. They will want it that way again. Even if it wasn’t good before, humans find comfort in things being the same, so kids will resist change in the new family. It may not happen that way, but be prepared for resistance.

Three helpful points for Blended Families:

1) Expect resistance to change from the kids. They are just trying to express discomfort to change in their lives that they have no control over.

2) Have meetings before and after moving in together with your kids alone, then with just the spouse’s kids, then both parents and your kids then finally with the whole family.

3) Express the need for patience and most of all express caring and respect, often.

Read part 2 of “Patience and Leadership in Blended Families”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

By the mid to late teens years, important dynamics often start that makes the father’s presence even more important than in previous years.

Starting with teenage parenting with the boys; Boys often don’t want to be seen with their mothers, in public and are challenging them, in private. This is a natural occurrence as young male energy starts to emerge. When there is a father in the house, he can relate to the male energy and can discuss it with them. Its not that it’s always easy but the father can set the example of how a responsible male needs to behave in society. He can give examples of how he handled mother issues and the ever uncomfortable puberty issues that no male teenager will discuss with their mother.

When I took the helm with my wife and her two boys for teen parenting duties, they were 13 and 15 years old. They were raised with no male in the house and were utterly dominating her. Let me tell you it hasn’t always been easy, but has been incredibly rewarding. I instilled chores, rules, allowances and school expectations. I also instilled for them to go out more to be with their friends without supervision, something my wife was scared to do.

Now let’s Deal with teenage parenting issues with the daughter, as it relates to the father. For this article, I would like to focus on two points. Fathers play a huge role for daughters in how the daughter perceives how men deal with women in general. This means if the daughter perceives the father treats women with respect it gives her a belief system that men are capable of this behavior and then she has a better chance of having a successful relationship herself.

Women, who have had a difficult relationship with their fathers, often have a difficult time in relationships with men later. The second point, in teenage parenting is, father’s can play an important role for the daughter when they begin dating. Fathers can give a unique perspective about the male psyche for the daughter. Women want to believe what boys say. It’s a father’s job to dispel this naïve perspective. It’s not that all boys aren’t authentic in their teen years…it’s just that, let’s say they may be driven by a place that isn’t their brain.

In closing, fathers can and should play a huge role in teenage parenting for boys and girls. Please let that be the case with your kids.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families. See his website at takebackthehome.com and keyboardculture.com. or write him at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com. Dr. Bocknek

Let’s now look at how the father can impact the nurturing of the blossoming teenager.

What is different in teenage parenting vs. preteen parenting in regards to the father?

The first thing to remember is that the blossoming teenager is starting to spread his or her wings. They are becoming more independent. This is often a very trying time for parents. Parents are starting to realize that those cute little entities are now starting to act as little people, with their own ideas and desires. Often the mother wants to continue to dote on their little children only to be rebuffed. It’s not that the teen doesn’t need to still be nurtured by the mother, it’s just that they only want it when they want it and when they don’t, they resent being “treated like a baby”.

Here is where the father’s presence can really be beneficial in teenage parenting. Fathers, who already, didn’t want to baby their preteens, ought to be a key element to help facilitate the teenager’s development. Fathers can use their nurturing style to help facilitate chores and enforcing rules in the house. A lot of teen parenting concerns should be revolving around nurturing the teen to being responsible, ethical and how to get on in the outside world and fathers are perfect for this role.

To some reading this blog, these previous statements may sound like the stern unfeeling father of the old days, but nothing can be further from the truth. Men come with an innate power just because they are male. It is this power that, when done well, can lead to a more peaceful house. In teenage parenting the father’s emotions are not as tied to the basic needs of the child as the mothers are. His are more tied to having enjoyable kids who will succeed in life.

It is no small wonder that families without fathers present teenage parenting problems at a much higher rate. Recently, I read a statistic teens are ten times more likely to have a run in with the law when they come from a family with no father present on a regular basis.

In the next post we will discuss the importance of fathers in mid to late teenage parenting.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families. See his website at takebackthehome.com and keyboardculture.com. or write him at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com. Dr. Bocknek

Our family is a blended family. Between my wife and me we have four kids, three boys and a girl. This year they will be 20, 18, 17 and 15. Here’s what I have noticed. Understand, what I’m about to say is not to insult or judge teenage parenting styles, (well, ok there will be some judgment, but where would we be without judgment, LOL).

Let’s first talk some of what mothers bring to the table. Mothers, first and foremost, bring an amazing ability to love their children in a way that men almost never do. They worry about things like sickness, eating well and staying up too late as if each decision carries the weight of the world on it.

Women just have a nurturing side that is incredible. Its not that men don’t have a nurturing side, (of course we do)…it’s just not the same. Before teenage parenting begins, I believe, it is to the degree how this nurturing pattern is expressed that greatly determines a lot of how a child will develop in life.

So, if men aren’t as nurturing in the same way, what do we do?

How are men beneficial before teenage parenting begins?

For this conversation, I like to use the example of when my son was learning how to ride a bike. Truth be known, my son only wanted to learn how to ride because he couldn’t stand the fact his older sister could and he couldn’t. His enthusiasm quickly waned with the first fall.

When he fell and got up bleeding, his mother ran down in screaming panic of how could I let this happen? As the male role model did my nurturing side kick in? You betcha. I stood him up and said congratulations. I told him, “You just passed your first hurdle in learning how to ride a bike”. I put him back on the bike and said let’s start again.

Did I know what I was doing was absolutely correct? Of course not, but he learned how to ride the bike that day and we did high fives all afternoon.

We’ll continue the discussion in Fathers in Teenage Parenting 2.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families. See his website at takebackthehome.com and keyboardculture.com. or write him at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com. Dr. Bocknek

First point is why would we want to?

When we want to bond with people, we need to learn and grow. We can’t expect others to be exactly like us and they can’t expect us to be exactly like them.

Secondly, we have to own the idea that somethings we do stink and somethings they do stink. We are all humans and somehow got in the habit of doing our lives the way we do it, but that doesn’t mean its right or good. Success in blended families begins with change.

The first thing to change is that love has to be a important value. Love is easy to say and more difficult to do. Love needs to be a verb. In other words, love your new family. If you don’t know if what you are doing makes the other side uncomfortable either ask them or go the distance and say to yourself, “I don’t know how they feel about this but If I wanted to do what was right…what would I do?”

This is loving them. In blended families you can quickly see how love has a lot to do with respect. Parents, by being leaders in this realm can alleviate ninety percent of the problems.

Its important for blended families to sit down and speak at least once a week to see how everyone is doing. During these meetings its important to bring up what is uncomfortable and what was appreciated and come to agreements that bring harmony in the home.

Blended families are a reality of the times. Make yours a success.

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parenting and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

In this “Success in the Blended Families” article let’s discuss how to overcome differences in core values. The first thing to mention is you don’t have to be an expert to survive in blended families, but the better you understand the potential pitfalls increases the odds of success. Just remember what is at stake. You are entering into a blended families situation because of points you missed in your first marriage. What we don’t want to do is make the same mistakes again. Right? So the best way is to become a student of yourself.

As written in Blended Families Part 1, understanding our core values is very important. Then understanding how they mesh with our partner is next. Partners can be very different on unimportant things but on the important stuff its not ok.

What determines what’s important?

Its your values. Let’s look at one that needs to be mentioned for blended families to be successful.

Respect in the home, needs to be in sync. This relates to how the parents interact and to what the rules are in the house for the kids. A big problem for blended families is when two families join, one sides kids had no chores and the other has had chores. If not resolved, it will create huge upsets. Another is, what is the expectation in regards to grades, manners, or keeping the house clean.

One can quickly see the pitfalls. Here is where it gets interesting. If both sides are sloppy and that’s ok with them then this will most likely not be a problem. Now I’m not recommending being slobs but what it shows is that these values are in sync. It is important then for blended families to be more similar than being perfect. The idea of being with your opposite is exciting but very quickly on it will be a clash of the values that will almost certainly be a rocky road.

In the next article we will discuss about how values can be changed to help blended families make it.

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parenting and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

But, this article is not about failed marriages or tragedy. It is about what happens when two people have learned from their mistakes and make a new wonderful loving family. It is about the possibilities that can be a reality. The reality being that humans can rebound and take hurt and loss and make a new beginning. This is about success in blended families.

What does it take to make success in blended families? The first thing that is required is for the two adults to look at whether their core values are in line.

What does this mean?

Core values are the 3 or 4 most important feelings each person hold close to their center. Core values could be happiness, love, trust , integrity, etc.

One might think that every one has the same value system, but this isn’t true. More often than not, women hold love as their number one value, whereas men most often hold significance as theirs. Blended families problems can escalate by not understanding this.

An example of why this can cause a problem is love often entails expressing closeness whereas significance entails defining oneself to do better in the job world and leading to independence. Independence requires distance from others.

In order for blended families to work we can’t have one person constantly feeling like they need space to stay comfortable and the other feeling like they need to decrease that same space to feel comfortable. Almost all conflicts in couples are about perceived violations of the others core values.

How do we know what our core values are?

Make a list of ten to fifteen values you believe in and compare them by taking two and deciding which one is more important to you. The one that is more important to you then needs to be compared to the next one on the list until you can accept which ones are most important.

This tool is hugely valuable in understanding yourself and how your values mesh with someone you are ready to get serious with. No matter how strong the feelings are blended families success will be based on how the parent’s core values mesh or conflict.

In the next blended families article we’ll discuss how to overcome value conflicts.

Good luck,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parenting and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

For instance, love is a core value. Now, we can all agree that love is important in the home and most parents will express it to some degree.

We will now take a commonplace example of a core value, that although it seems like nothing, can really disrupt blended families. The core value of cleanliness is a simple one if it is agreed upon and a real mess if not (no pun intended). What happens when one parent feels that the house needs to be clean and the other parent isn’t that concerned? The parent, who isn’t that tidy leaves stuff around the house and then so does their child. The tidy person picks up constantly and hopefully has trained their child to do the same. The next step is resentment on both sides. The messy side is feeling hassled to clean and the tidy side is upset about the mess.

We are not going to get into a discussion now about who is right and who is wrong in their parenting styles. We are going to suggest, in blended families, the parents have to be leaders. Parents need to be the example for the children to minimize the risk of failure in the home. There will always be, on some issues, parenting styles clashes. If the parents can sit down, however, and write down some of their core values on paper it helps to reveal where these parenting styles issues may show up so the parents can be prepared for them.
Examples of core values are

• Love
• Ethics
• Success
• Integrity
• Independence
• Happiness
• Cleanliness
• Significance

A solution to problems with parenting styles in blended families is a review of the roles that each person should play in the family. Read Dr. Bocknek’s article on roles in the family for more insight into how to identify roles.

Briefly put, when each person knows what is expected of them in the family, many core value issues resolve themselves and in effect most parenting styles can accommodated for in blended families.

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

Dr. Robert Bocknek

********

Dr. Robert Bocknek is”the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”. See his website at takebackthehome.com or contact him at Bocknek(at)takebackthehome.com.

Today we are going to talk about when, in blended families, the stepchild doesn’t accept the stepparent. Before going too far it is really important to handle this issue before the families come together. If in your case it didn’t it is not something that can’t be handled, but it will take a little more work. The adage “when you have lemons, make lemonade” really applies here.

Blended families are usually formed because two adults feel they have found that person who really is “the one”. When people get married the first time, often they were naive and too young to know better. Now, however, hopefully they have learned a thing or two. This can be used to the advantage in blended families.

The first step to success is, the biological parent, alone, needs to sit down with the stepchild and explain how you are really in love with this new stepdad or stepmom. It is essential, no matter how you feel about your ex-spouse to say that they will always be there and that the stepparent is not a replacement for them. They are an addition, that you love, and given time and effort by the child, they can love too.

In blended families never, I repeat, never ever tell the child if they don’t like the stepparent you will break it off. This is only feeding into your guilt that you don’t deserve to have love again because of your failure in the previous marriage. Only two things can come from this mistake; 1) you don’t get to have love or 2) either you have resentment or the child has guilt. Always remember the parent is the leader of the family, blended families or otherwise and you deserve to have a great partner.

The key is to get the child to realize they have a responsibility to get along and to try to make it work. They need to know it is part of the role that they play in the family so the family can succeed. The child, often, doesn’t see the potential of this new family. It is your job to paint the vision for them. Children are only seeking comfort through knowing that their home is safe and stable.

Next, both parents talk to the child. The stepparent’s job here is to connect with patience. Again, in blended families, parents need to be leaders. The stepparent needs to reinforce the message that they are not there to replace the biological parent, in their heart, but that having a relationship with the child is really important not only to the two of them but to the success of the entire family.

Dr. Robert Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

********

Dr. Robert Bocknek is ”the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families”. Check out his sight at takebackthehome.com. You can email him at Bocknek(at)takebackthehome.com.

Some of the most pressing problems and difficulties with blended families are as follows:

1. The parents do not have a game plan for the joining of the two families
2. The child doesn’t accept the new stepparent
3. The children of one family don’t accept the children of the other family
4. Parenting styles are different between the parents
5. Guilt of liking the stepparent over the biological absent parent
6. Parents getting in more fights due to the discomfort of the new living arrangements

Today we will focus on the parents not having a game plan.

We will start with the blended families that haven’t moved in together yet. When broaching the subject of the families coming together, with the children, the two parents must first have their own agreements between them set up. The rule is if you can’t agree between the two of you, the odds are you won’t be able to pull it together with the kids there.

Parents must first accept that they have both come from previous failed marriages. This is not blame time. It is recognize “we need to be pros now” time. A pro is someone who comes to play at 100% every game. A pro also does all their prep work before the game so when the game starts they aren’t just standing around trying to figure what needs to be done. They know who the opposition is and what the strengths and weaknesses are and they are ready to take advantage. So, new parents of blended families must have a game plan.

Game Plan for Parents of Blended Families

1. Set up a plan for who plays what roles in the family. Read Dr. Bocknek’s blog post on family roles.
2. Parents are unified in front of the children
3. Agree to set up chores and reimbursements
4. Parents spend quality time with each other
5. Parents have set quality time with family

The game plan for blended families is not different from the game plan for regular families, but pretty much everyone who is reading this didn’t make it through their first marriage successfully. So the message is, the first time around you didn’t know you needed to have a game plan to make the marriage work. Now, you do know. Take the time to go through each of these steps. If you do, the odds of having the kind of lasting marriage you wanted in your new blended family will happen.

Dr. Robert Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

********
Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”. See him at takebackthehome.com or contact him at Bocknek(at)takebackthehome.com.