Blended families are an amazingly common phenomena in America today. Just the fact that we have a term for a situation where the survivors of two failed marriages coming together speaks volumes in and of itself.

But, this article is not about failed marriages or tragedy. It is about what happens when two people have learned from their mistakes and make a new wonderful loving family. It is about the possibilities that can be a reality. The reality being that humans can rebound and take hurt and loss and make a new beginning. This is about success in blended families.

What does it take to make success in blended families? The first thing that is required is for the two adults to look at whether their core values are in line.

What does this mean?

Core values are the 3 or 4 most important feelings each person hold close to their center. Core values could be happiness, love, trust , integrity, etc.

One might think that every one has the same value system, but this isn’t true. More often than not, women hold Continue reading Success in Blended Families

Today, we are going to talk about the issue of what happens when parenting styles are different. We hear a lot about parenting styles these days in regard to blended families and their problems. The truth is there are many parenting styles but what is most important is that the core values of the parents are in sync. What we mean by core values are those values that are most important to the parent.

For instance, love is a core value. Now, we can all agree that love is important in the home and most parents will express it to some degree.

We will now take a commonplace example of a core value, that although it seems like nothing, can really disrupt blended families. The core value of Continue reading Help with Blended Families: Part 3

As mentioned before, blended families are diverse and often complicated. Tackling these issues can be difficult but the rewards are huge.

Today we are going to talk about when, in blended families, the stepchild doesn’t accept the stepparent. Before going too far it is really important to handle this issue before the families come together. If in your case it didn’t it is not something that can’t be handled, but it will take a little more work. The adage “when you have lemons, make lemonade” really applies here.

Blended families are usually formed because two adults feel they have found that person who really is “the one”. When people get married the first time, often they were naive and too young to know better. Now, however, hopefully they have learned a thing or two. This can be used to the advantage in blended families.

The first step to success is, Continue reading Help with Blended Families: Part 2

Blended families are one of the most complex and diverse family groups in America today. How big an issue is it? Nearly, 1/3 of all American children will spend time in blended families by the time they reach 18 years old.

Some of the most pressing problems and difficulties with blended families are as follows:

1. The parents do not have a game plan for the joining of the two families
2. The child doesn’t accept the new stepparent
3. The children of one family don’t accept the children of the other family
4. Parenting styles are different between the parents
5. Guilt of liking the stepparent over the biological absent parent
6. Parents getting in more fights due to the discomfort of the new living arrangements

Today we will focus on the parents not having a game plan.

We will start with the blended families that haven’t moved in together yet. When broaching the subject of the families coming together, with the children, the two parents must first have their own agreements between them set up. The rule is if you can’t agree between the two of you, the odds are you won’t be able to pull it together with the kids there.

Parents must first accept that they have both come from previous failed marriages. This is not blame time. It is recognize “we need to be pros now” time. A pro is someone who comes to play at 100% every game. A pro also does all their prep work before the game so when the game starts they aren’t just standing around trying to figure what needs to be done. They know who the opposition is and what the strengths and weaknesses are and they are ready to take advantage. So, new parents of blended families must have a game plan.

Game Plan for Parents of Blended Families

1. Set up a plan for who plays what roles in the family. Read Dr. Bocknek’s blog post on family roles.
2. Parents are unified in front of the children
3. Agree to set up chores and reimbursements
4. Parents spend quality time with each other
5. Parents have set quality time with family

The game plan for blended families is not different from the game plan for regular families, but pretty much everyone who is reading this didn’t make it through their first marriage successfully. So the message is, the first time around you didn’t know you needed to have a game plan to make the marriage work. Now, you do know. Take the time to go through each of these steps. If you do, the odds of having the kind of lasting marriage you wanted in your new blended family will happen.

Dr. Robert Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is “the problem solving expert for families”. See him at takebackthehome.com or contact him at Bocknek(at)takebackthehome.com.