My oldest son in college had a full scholarship. All he needed was to keep a B average. We prepped him about the challenges of being responsible and girls and keeping it together. We lead him to the water but he found partying more attractive. He didn’t keep his B average. He lost 75% of his scholarship.

I told him he had to get a loan for the remainder to make up for the short fall. He was so upset he wanted to drop out. I told him he could but if he did he wasn’t moving back in the house and we would give him $1000 to get started but that was it. Furthermore, to get the money he had to draw up a budget for himself. Once he realized how quickly he would have nothing he changed his mind. What makes a good parent is accepting what you can do for your kids and explaining to them why you are doing what you are doing. They might not like it but you will have done all you can do.

Whatever you do with your kids…what makes a good parent is to instill consistent values that you think will empower your children to be good, successful people.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I took the computers away except for school and never allowed computers in their room. The computer addiction was quite apparent at this time. They were screaming, slamming doors and sleeping a lot. We talked a lot with them at this point. They weren’t happy but started to come out of their room. What came out of their mouth, made me want them back in their room but it slowly got better. They literally transformed to much more enjoyable kids again.

In the words of Marshall Mclewen, our society is becoming a nation of vidiots. But I don’t think even Marshall could have predicted the computer addiction of today. To you parents, who have young children, do yourself, and your children, a favor. Keep their computer in a public room so you can monitor their time and content. I would highly suggest the computer should only be for educational endeavors. For you parents of teens, use the same rule. Keep their computer in a public area. No computer, during the week for anything but school stuff. On the weekend, only let your teens have an agreed upon time frame for using the computer.

Computer addiction is insidious and all around you. Your child’s growth is partly based on real socializing with you and their peers face to face. Create the computer rules of the house so it empowers your children to grow.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The way to success in the blended family is dependant on family in your world view. It’s easy to talk family is the most important thing to you, but do you live it?

During these stressful financial times it’s critical to have family dinners, not as an after thought but as a priority. Because our younger kids spend time between their birth mother and our family I make sure that the Sabbath dinner is something special. We aren’t hammering the kids with rituals but we do light the candles, drink wine and break the bread. It is a connecting point. In your family, do something that you guys can connect to in your blended family. Make the meals pleasant and fun.

If some of the kids are off to college call the step kids and talk about their school, their girl or boy friends. Just be real and re-cement the relationship that came into being when you began your blended family. Remember families are for life this time around.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Remember what these “what makes a good parent” articles are about. They are about being able to let go with your teen and not be miserable. Trust me, the less you are stressing out about your teen going out, the better the experience is going to be for you and for them. If you know they have good common sense and represent you well out in the world, you will be less stressed. If they are doing well in school, you will feel better about letting them go out. Furthermore, on this front, when they are doing well in school they tend to hang out with a better, brighter group. Lastly, when they are staying out late or for a long time, knowing that you can get a hold of them greatly diminishes stress.

On a closing note, with this “what makes a good parent” topic, allowing your teen to have more freedom and seeing that for the most part they handle it well, is another opportunity for you to be proud of the job you are doing as a parent. Remember, raising great responsible kids, is a critical part of helping create a great society. When you look around at all the problems in society and all the bad news on TV you will be able to feel good that you are playing a huge part in not adding to the mess.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I would like to talk about a few points that will help bring it to an empowering time rather than a miserable one. Before we make these points, we need some ground rules. First you must accept  independence as a natural occurrence. The second thing is the parent needs to evaluate, within themselves, why they would or wouldn’t allow a teen to have more privileges. The third part is that for a parent to allow more independence, the teen needs to exhibit a few important characteristics.

Let’s first talk about independence as a natural occurrence.

What makes a good parent is to recognize that raising children, as all encompassing as it is, is an ever changing dynamic. When they are babies, raising children is about being responsible for another being. While that part never goes away, as they get older it is about teaching them valuable lessons about how good people behave and responsibility and ethics, while, at the same time, being loving.

Sometimes, we as parents don’t want to let them out because after all our hard work we want them around just so we can watch our accomplishments. We can get frustrated that they want to “leave us” all the time and hang out with their friends rather than us.

What makes a good parent is fighting this frustration and turning the emotion into a positive one. We can do this by acknowledging that it isn’t about them leaving us. It is about us having done a great job that they feel strong enough to go out and explore the world. So first, congratulate yourself that you accomplished that, then, make sure that when they go out that these young entities aren’t going to get themselves into trouble.

In part 2 of “What makes a good parent and knowing when to let go” we are going to discuss the points in how to successfully deal with letting go.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

John Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country”. It was probably one of the best lines any leader has ever said to their fellow countrymen. It was meant as a catalyst for action to do what has always made America great. It meant you are your country so do something for it. Barak Obama had some of the same message for our kids. Stay in school. Do your best. Achieve. But I don’t agree with everything he said nor with some of his tactics, specifically asking children to help him pass his reforms an bills. I believe in what we can do for our country, but let kids be kids.

Last week the president was going to address the children and teens of America. On the whole, I think it is a great idea to have the leaders of this country speak to our youth. I personally feel there is too much of a disconnect between Americans and between Americans and their country. Like another young president, John Kennedy, Barak Obama has a chance to move the young of America. What makes a good parent in the home is leadership. What makes a good parent of the country is leadership.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Ask all the prevalent questions. Have a meeting with the teacher without the student and maybe afterwards, with the your child. Stand firm. Let the child or teen know all the facts you have found out and help them form a strategy for success in the class.  Let them know you will be monitoring them so that the strategy will be implemented. Regularly, let them know that this kind of strategy is what they will need to do in their life to increase the odds that they will be successful and that’s why they need to do it.

Let’s now talk about standing firm.

You may be thinking, “Dr. Bocknek hasn’t said anything about how or when to stand firm.”

You are right!

But you can’t solve two problems if you can’t even solve one. This means you have to have a strategy for success for your kids first before you can help them work through their mistakes. So far we have been talking about how to implement a successful strategy. What makes a good parent is recognizing that no strategy always works and no one always follows the strategy.

Parents, you do no service to your children by not having them take personal responsibility for their outcomes. This doesn’t mean throwing your children in jail. It does mean you can’t keep protecting them when they don’t do the right thing.

Standing firm with your children is about helping them to be a success in life. What makes a good parent is having an honest relationship with your children, where they know that they are expected to do the right thing and when they don’t that there is a penalty. Having children is a responsibility to yourself, your family and your country. Stand firm with your kids. You will be happy you did.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Have you ever watched an infant bang their head while crawling under the coffee table and then have the parent soothe the crying baby by hitting the table and saying “bad table”? It’s funny. Right? The baby will often be happier then.

What did we teach the baby? We didn’t teach them to be careful and learn, did we?

Now, I’m not saying you can’t do that but what makes a good parent is helping them learn.

Let’s now use a more important example.

Let’s say your teen is doing poorly in a class and you confront him or her about it. They claim their teacher is being unfair to them or their teacher doesn’t like them. What should you do?

I have many times witnessed parents running into the school yelling at the school or the teacher. I have also experienced parents yelling at their kids without finding out what happened. With either of these approaches what did your child learn and which approach is better? Maybe a better question is what didn’t they learn?

What makes a good parent is helping them learn and succeed through mistakes. Let’s look at common outcomes to the two previous mentioned situations.

I believe the worst outcome happens when the parent yells at the school especially in the presence of the child. Why? Because what can the child learn? They can learn that blaming others for their outcome in life is a totally reasonable way to get out of problems. It completely removes responsibility from your child. It may feel good to do this. It creates short term pleasure as having the blame removed from them. The problem is that the long term trouble of not taking responsibility for one’s self can only lead to chronic problems in the future as the child learns no strategy of how to get out of trouble.

The second strategy, of yelling at your child, at least confronts the child to take responsibility for their outcomes. Humans are motivated by getting out of pain or moving toward pleasure, so yelling at them will make them do something that will get them out of pain. The problem is that sometimes they will study harder to get out of pain and sometimes they will avoid you or do drugs to get out of the pain. Successful strategies aim at moving your child through good decision making. When they understand how to get a desired result the odds of success are much better.

Please read part 3 of What makes a good parent and standing firm.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Sometimes, you will be good at all three and sometimes you will only be good at one or two of these. I would love to say that if you most of the time do the right thing the right results will come out. I can’t. What I can tell you is that it is an odds game. What I mean by that is that if you do the right thing most of the time, with your kids, the odds are most of the time you will get the results you want. What makes a good parent is the ability to make the tough decisions, no matter how painful, to move your kids to the right place.

The first point in making the tough decisions is doing your best as a parent. This may seem like an obvious point but I want to speak about it a little. Especially to mothers reading this article, what makes a good parent is accepting you can’t be mommy for ever. You can be a strong mother, forever, just not the mother who is raising a baby. For many of you, this will be extremely difficult. Many mothers have a level of nurturing, hard-wired into your system, that very few men will ever develop or understand.

In my experience, accompanying this huge nurturing capacity is a certain amount of, “I can’t do enough for my kids” capacity as well. Part of the reason for this latter part is the feeling that if you didn’t have this mentality you wouldn’t be doing your best as a parent. On this point, what makes a good parent is the ability to realize inside when you did your best, your kids at some point will still make mistakes and it’s not your fault. When they make those mistakes, they will need to be responsible and work their way out, themselves. Teens, especially, need a chance to work out their issues themselves, whether it be in doing badly on a test in school or getting a speeding ticket.

Parents, you have and will make bad decisions in your life. How you deal and have dealt with them now shapes your life. Helping your children deal with their bad decisions, as children and teens, is one of the most important things you can do for them. Handling their bad decisions for them, without out them taking responsibility is one of the surest ways to make them more likely to have a hard time as an adult.

Please read part 2 of “What Makes a Good Parent and Standing Firm”.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

A huge part of a parent’s role, even in the disintegrating marriage, is to stay unified in regards to what is important for the children. It is important for the parents to keep the kids routines consistent, like before the troubles. What makes a good parent is continuing with good habits for the kids such as these:

• They continue to do their homework on schedule

• They continue to get good grades

• They continue to do chores

• They continue to show respect for both parents

• Parents continue to acknowledge good behavior in the kids

• Parents continue to overtly show affection for their kids

Let’s now move onto a more positive situation, namely the ongoing family.

A big part of what makes a good parent is using the example of yourselves, as a couple, so your kids can see what a healthy adult relationship is like. Many of us were raised in a broken home. Many of us had never seen a parental relationship that lasted. If you are still married, use your marriage as a learning tool for your kids.

Fathers and mothers each have a unique perspective. It’s important to share those with your kids. Just a subtle point on men and women… Men and women can be equal in marriage but different in their perspective. Learn to enjoy and share the differences between men and women with your kids. Share your affection to each other in front of the kids. Hugging and kissing are quite acceptable behavior. Thank your spouse for cutting the lawn, cooking or cleaning or paying for dinner. Do it in front of the kids. Compliment your spouse on what a good job they did. If you argue, when you cool down enough make sure you hug, for yourself and them. Part of what makes a good parent is letting your kids see how two adults can have disagreements and that it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

Take the time to explain to them that the family is the center point of your life and that you are all a team and that its for life. America needs you to be this. America has gotten to a bad place morally and ethically and it is important for great people like you reading this article to make the effort.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

The home is nothing if it isn’t a safe haven for your children. Your children need at least one place in their life where they can let their guard down and be themselves. This doesn’t mean that the home is a place that they can misbehave but it does mean it should be a place of comfort, love and security.

Let’s look at being on a boat as an analogy of how the parent’s relationship creates balance for our children. On land, what gives us our balance is that the earth is steady so when we walk our brain can calculate how far to reach with our legs on each step. In a boat, however, the ground is moving. When we attempt to walk on a boat the deck can come up or down with the waves and the brain is forced to constantly reset for balance. Our brain then has to work much harder for normalcy. The parent’s relationship, and it’s effect on the kids, is similar. If it’s consistent the child’s brain has that much less to occupy it’s attention. When the parents are out of balance most likely so are the kids.

What makes a good parent is making sure the home has that stable ground so your child’s brain doesn’t go into overwhelm. The parent’s relationship to each other can often be a rock from which the kids can grow healthily or a tidal wave that leads to instability.

Let’s, then, go into a few points about what makes a good parent in regards to parent’s relationship to each other. We will be begin with the worst scenario, which is the family of the divorcing or soon to be divorcing parents. You may be wondering why I am including divorcing parents in a discussion of what makes a good parent. Here’s why.

One of the most important jobs a parent has is insuring that his or her offspring is a success in life. This doesn’t stop because the parents are unable to find a way to have happiness together.

Please read “What makes a good parent, parents loving each other part 2″ where we will go into those points.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

2) Acknowledgment.

Have you noticed it’s easy to find fault and comment on it? What doesn’t come as natural is acknowledging a good act. It’s important to acknowledge good behavior in your teenager. What makes a good parent is creating an environment in the home so your teenager is constantly rewarded when they do good things. A key point here is that rewarding doesn’t mean presents. It means saying “thank you, I appreciate that”, and meaning it. Do this often until it becomes a habit. The effect of this is two fold. The first being it creates a positive behavior and atmosphere in the home. The second is that when your teenager is messing up you can comment on it without it seeming for the teenager that all you do is attack them.

3) Be the boss.

If you have read previous articles, you know about the importance of roles in the family. What makes a good parent is realizing teenagers need to be lead. They are moving to adulthood, but not there yet. They are learning how to be an adult. You need to guide them.  Create the rules of the house and make sure the rules are followed. Read past articles to see how you can set this up in your home.

Here we are then. Why do you need these expectations for your teenagers? I think it was Napoleon Hill who said “if you want to be poor, watch what poor people do and copy it. If you want to be successful, watch what successful people do and copy them”. You are what you do and who you surround yourself with. What makes a good parent is surrounding your teenager with an environment that makes them feel they are good people and then arm them with tools that helps them present themselves well.

Creating reasonable expectations in your teenager like keeping their word, acknowledging others, doing well in school are all a parent can do for them. Love your teenagers by giving them a good start in life. A good life starts with expectations.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent is being able to come up with a plan for your teenager, implementing it and then, when things don’t go according to plan, being able to alter the plan to keep your teen moving in a good direction.

Where do you begin when coming up with a plan?

What makes a good parent requires, you as the parent, stepping back from your own busy schedule and taking the time to give quality energy into thinking about what you want for your teenagers. This doesn’t mean general terms like, “you want them to be happy, you want them to be successful or you want them to be good people”.

If you have taken the time to read my previous posts you will know that I have written extensively on these core principles before. Let’s leave it to say, for this article, that your teenager being happy, successful and a good person are the building blocks of true success in life, but here I want to be more specific.

Let’s spend a little time with some concrete action steps and ideas for implementing what makes a good parent. We will be keeping our discussion today to addressing teenagers in high school or college.

1) Grade point average. Like it or not GPA is a critical measuring stick of how your teenager is doing. For those of you reading this and thinking GPA doesn’t matter, I highly encourage you to look inside and recognize the err of your thought process. You most likely are falling into one of two categories,

a) You are being defensive because your teenager isn’t doing well, or

b) you are one of those people stuck in the sixties progressive (actually regressive) mindsets that competition is bad.

The facts are that colleges look at GPA when your teen is applying for school, when they are in school and when they are applying for grad school. If time is an issue for you as a parent then you should know GPA is probably the easiest way for a parent to judge how their teenager is standing up relative to other teenagers and to how your parenting style is working.

So what you want to do is sit down with your teenager and let them know what your expectations are in regards to GPA, (I highly recommend 3.5 because scholarships and grants often use that number as the minimum requirement). Then you let your teenager know that attaining that GPA is going to be the centerpiece of what they think about.

Teenagers need to understand that doing well in school is their job. You take your job seriously and they need to take their job seriously. Creating this mindset will go a long way for them to create success in their life.

Please read part 2 of Parenting and expectations with teenagers.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I want to start this discussion with the premise that your desire to have a great relationship with your children, is a core part of what you view as what makes a good parent.

Let’s start by looking at how we view activities with our children. What makes a good parent is getting to the mindset that scheduling in time with our kids, (including our teens), is an essential pathway to creating a positive relationship with our children.

What did what I just said mean? It meant explain to your kids why you want to schedule in time with them.

What makes a good parent is;

1.) wanting to be with your kids,

2.) communicating that message to them,

3.) engaging them in conversation when you are with them,

4.) acknowledge your love for them and encourage them to do the same.

If you do nothing but these four steps with your kids, you will see a huge improvement in your relationship with them. What these times do for you and your kids is cement them understanding how much you care for them. What this allows you to do then is, when the time comes when they do badly in school, or are disobedient and you have to discipline them, makes the situation about bad behavior and not about how you feel about them. This is the value of appropriate unconditional positive regard as discussed in part 1 of this article.

What makes a good parent is enjoying your kids, leading your kids, having unconditional positive regard for your kids and making them great additions to your country.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What makes a good parent begins with the parent’s unconditional positive regard for their children. But what does unconditional positive regard mean? I would like to begin with telling you what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean when your child is failing or doing poorly in school that you say, “its ok honey, you’ll do better next time”. It doesn’t mean, when your children talks back to you that you take it because you love them.

What makes a good parent is standing up, and leading your children with unconditional positive regard as I’m going to describe to you right now.

When your child is doing poorly in school, you begin with taking responsibility within yourself how you weren’t on top of how they were doing. I’m not going to call you a bad parent if your child does poorly in school. But, I can tell you, what ever parenting style you use, if your child repeats poor performance a second straight semester and you haven’t made major changes in what you as a parent do, you are not doing what makes a good parent.

So what would you do in this circumstance? You lay down the law. Sit down with them and tell them of your expectations. You go to the school and have a meeting with their teachers to find out what is going on. (On this point, you will not go to the school with the aim of blaming the teachers for your child’s failures. This is not unconditional positive regard. This is stupidity).

After you have heard what the teachers say, you then sit down with your child and explain to them that you love them and because you love them these are the steps we are going to take until the grades come up to an acceptable level. These steps could be like no computer or video games. No going out until after homework is done and you have checked it.

This is unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard means that you always love your children and you let them know it. It also means that you take a stand for them when you feel they are out of line with what you as a parent think is right for them. In effect, as a parent, you take responsibility.

Stay tuned for part 2

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

I’ll give you a personal example. When my wife and I got together my second step son had some issues with it and he was acting out. Unfortunately, for him, one of those ways was to stop studying for his classes. In one semester he got three D’s. He literally had to spend the rest of his high school tenure making up for that mistake. Trust me, if he had known then what he knows now he never would have chosen that direction to act out. As it turned out he got a scholarship to Clemson in engineering but he had to kick some major butt to get it.

A great technique in helping your children develop, (and what makes a good parent), is to give them your insight about how their actions now can affect them, positively and negatively throughout their life. A few examples of this are:

• Getting the children to support each other rather than compete against each other in positive things like school, achievements or sports.

• Let them see how their grades can affect them getting into college and then not having debt when they graduate.

• How having sex or unsafe sex can ruin their future before their life even starts.

There are countless examples to use. When using this technique it is very important to share with your children how some of your actions have really hurt you or helped you. The more real it is to them the more effective the technique will be.

Well, that’s about all I have to say for today.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

On some levels what makes a good parent is the same as being a good dog trainer. If your puppy chews on your furniture and one time you punish him and the next time you don’t the puppy becomes confused whether chewing on the furniture is acceptable or not. It’s the same with your kids. With a consistent response to your child’s behavior you have the best chance of having a strong relationship with them.

How does this consistency translate into a good relationship? This is the essence of what makes a good parent. Here are some important points:

• Your children are not adults. They are like sponges. What they experience the most is what they internalize.

• Children move away from punishment and toward pleasure. When they do something wrong it’s important that they understand the reasons for the punishment and then immediately remind them how it was when they did the same thing right.

• Acknowledge, often, their good behavior and achievements.

Children thrive on knowing their parents are proud of them. Here’s the thing, though, what makes a good parent is only rewarding good behavior and not bad behavior. This seems obvious but have you ever defended your child, in front of them, when you knew they were wrong? Have you ever let them stay up just to stop them from whining? Of course you have. We are human parents and we have our own weaknesses.

The point is not to be perfect as a parent but to strive for consistent responses, positive and negative, your children can count on. They need you to be a guiding light for them, a safe place they can go to when they aren’t sure of the right thing to do. The more you become that beacon, the stronger your relationship. Test being that consistent beacon and you will love the results.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

Ruth is the story of great women. In this story, Ruth is the daughter in law of Naomi, a woman who lost her husband shortly after having two sons. Ruth married one of Naomi’s two sons. After Ruth married Naomi’s son he also died. So in effect, their relationship was one of legality, not one of blood. But they loved and respected one another. They became a true daughter and mother relationship.

For this post, there are many things to learn here but I want to focus on what makes a good parent. While we don’t know what the day to day expressions of respect were between them, one thing we can be sure of is that in the end through hard times they put the time into their relationship to create a bond that was literally of “biblical proportions”.

So what does it take make such a great relationship? It is the same as what makes a good parent. Let’s list a few of these actions.

• Respect. Respect flows both ways. Ruth, being the daughter, even in the hard times, did all she could for Naomi. She respected Naomi as the leading woman in the household. In return, Naomi did all she could to see that Ruth found her way in life.

• Love. Naomi and Ruth didn’t just care for each other internally. Their actions spoke huge. When they had to move, Ruth got a job to help support the family and carried herself in a way that brought dignity to the family. Naomi taught her the ways of the world as best as she could so she could move forward.

• Honor. The two of them honored the relationship, (family) they had. It wasn’t a perfect family but they realized the best chance they had was to stick together, taking the right steps that could advance themselves.

In the second part of this article “what makes a good parent, action and patience”, we will continue about, growth of the relationship and how to do it.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

My point here is what makes a good parent isn’t always in line with good people with good intentions. Here’s what I mean. I know the boy’s mother. She is doing everything she can to make him successful in her mind. She has great intentions for her son and for the most part she is doing a great job with him, but he is really stressed out about his future and is only 15 years old.

For you parents reading this story, let me give you some advice. What makes a good parent is leadership.

Leadership for a 15 year old should entail the following:

• He or she should do well in school

• He or she should be respectful, polite and basically a good person

• He or she should have chores in the house to facilitate responsibility

• He or she should have limited time on the internet and video games

• He or she should be out enough during free time to learn social skills

• He or she should be doing volunteer work, (important for college)

• He or she be encouraged to participate in fun stuff

• He or she should have down time to do whatever they want

Our teens need to work hard and be good people but they are just coming off childhood. What makes a good parent is part keeping a watchful eye on them, part pushing them and part allowing them the space to learn from their own experiences. This third part is critical.

We need to remember our kid’s happiness is at the heart of their success. Fifteen year olds should not be thinking or worried about their future. If they know what they want to do at that age, well, you are just lucky.

So please for your teens sake, remember to tell them how proud you are of them, how much you love them and cut them some slack if they are doing great.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

One of the important things, then, that goes into what makes a good parent is knowing how much of you to share.

Here are some important guidelines.

• Share with them some times when you were punished, why and how you dealt with it. It’s important to give some hindsight enlightenment.

• Side step, as much as possible, the “did you use drugs question”. If you can’t, don’t embellish about how much fun you had doing them. I have found it most beneficial, to ponder how far I might have gone, in my life, if I was a little more serious at their age and had a little more guidance.

• The sex issue is very complicated. I often have talked about the pathetic level of teen pregnancy going on. With the boys, I have told them they just need to be aware that their hormones, once kicked in, become incredibly distracting but never forget they have a responsibility to succeed in school. With my daughter, I told her no boy at this age has any clue to how they are feeling and will say anything to satisfy their hormonal rush.

• On almost any other topic, share with your kids often, as if they are adults. Let them see your opinion. Ask them theirs. Encourage them to debate with you. Acknowledge their points and admit when you are just giving an opinion so they can offer theirs.

In getting to what makes a good parent, share you carefully. I feel if you are going to be a parent, enjoy your kids. This doesn’t just mean buy them things and take them places. It most often means having meaningful conversations.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com.  He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.