Keyboard Culture Parenting » Teenage Parenting

What Makes a Good Parent and Knowing When to Let Go: Part 3

Keyboard Culture — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:00:06 +0000

We are now going to talk about the third part of “what makes a good parent rules”. Even when you are doing a good job with your teens, they will find ways to test you. One of them is not returning your phone call when they go out. If you don’t want to go insane, tie their privileges to them responding to your phone call in a timely manner. Furthermore, set up times when they go out when they should check in so you have some sort of control when they are out. If you don’t do this yet and are thinking this is micromanaging, let me give you something to think about.

Remember what these “what makes a good parent” articles are about. They are about being able to let go with your teen and not be miserable. Trust me, the less you are stressing out about your teen going out, the better the experience is going to be for you and for them. If you know they have good common sense and represent you well out in the world, you will be less stressed. If they are doing well in school, you will feel better about letting them go out. Furthermore, on this front, when they are doing well in school they tend to hang out with a better, brighter group. Lastly, when they are staying out late or for a long time, knowing that you can get a hold of them greatly diminishes stress.

On a closing note, with this “what makes a good parent” topic, allowing your teen to have more freedom and seeing that for the most part they handle it well, is another opportunity for you to be proud of the job you are doing as a parent. Remember, raising great responsible kids, is a critical part of helping create a great society. When you look around at all the problems in society and all the bad news on TV you will be able to feel good that you are playing a huge part in not adding to the mess.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is the problem solving expert for marriage, parents and families at www.takebackthehome.com and www.keyboard-culture-parenting.com. He can be reached at bocknek@takebackthehome.com. He is author of the “Take Back the Home course” and the “Learning how to Learn course” which can be seen at www.takebackthehome.com.

What Makes a Good Parent, Politics

Keyboard Culture — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:00:13 +0000

I found that these last two weeks I had to do something I hadn’t done much in the home and that was to speak my mind with my kids about what I thought was getting dangerous in America.

John Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country”. It was probably one of the best lines any leader has ever said to their fellow countrymen. It was meant as a catalyst for action to do what has always made America great. It meant you are your country so do something for it. Barak Obama had some of the same message for our kids. Stay in school. Do your best. Achieve. But I don’t agree with everything he said nor with some of his tactics, specifically asking children to help him pass his reforms an bills. I believe in what we can do for our country, but let kids be kids.

Last week the president was going to address the children and teens of America. On the whole, I think it is a great idea to have the leaders of this country speak to our youth. I personally feel there is too much of a disconnect between Americans and between Americans and their country. Like another young president, John Kennedy, Barak Obama has a chance to move the young of America. What makes a good parent in the home is leadership. What makes a good parent of the country is leadership.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Parenting and Expectations with Teenagers Part 3

Keyboard Culture — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:00:07 +0000

Let’s continue with living with integrity. The last point we discussed was keeping your word and teaching the value of this to your teenager. Let’s look at some other essential points.

2) Acknowledgment.

Have you noticed it’s easy to find fault and comment on it? What doesn’t come as natural is acknowledging a good act. It’s important to acknowledge good behavior in your teenager. What makes a good parent is creating an environment in the home so your teenager is constantly rewarded when they do good things. A key point here is that rewarding doesn’t mean presents. It means saying “thank you, I appreciate that”, and meaning it. Do this often until it becomes a habit. The effect of this is two fold. The first being it creates a positive behavior and atmosphere in the home. The second is that when your teenager is messing up you can comment on it without it seeming for the teenager that all you do is attack them.

3) Be the boss.

If you have read previous articles, you know about the importance of roles in the family. What makes a good parent is realizing teenagers need to be lead. They are moving to adulthood, but not there yet. They are learning how to be an adult. You need to guide them. Create the rules of the house and make sure the rules are followed. Read past articles to see how you can set this up in your home.

Here we are then. Why do you need these expectations for your teenagers? I think it was Napoleon Hill who said “if you want to be poor, watch what poor people do and copy it. If you want to be successful, watch what successful people do and copy them”. You are what you do and who you surround yourself with. What makes a good parent is surrounding your teenager with an environment that makes them feel they are good people and then arm them with tools that helps them present themselves well.

Creating reasonable expectations in your teenager like keeping their word, acknowledging others, doing well in school are all a parent can do for them. Love your teenagers by giving them a good start in life. A good life starts with expectations.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Parenting and Expectations with Teenagers Part 2

Keyboard Culture — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 15:00:50 +0000

In part 1 of “Parenting and Expectations with Teenagers”, we discussed what is reasonable for you as parents to do when pushing your teenager. We talked about GPA, and its importance in measuring your child’s success. The second point I want to make today about, what makes a good parent, is preparing your teenager to become an adult.

Since you are reading this article you probably are a parent and you have already experienced and learned many lessons about adulthood. My question to you then, is do you want your teenagers to suffer through the same mistakes you went through on your way to adulthood, or, are you out to help them navigate through the waters?

What makes a good parent is finding ways to bring your teenager to adulthood as painlessly as possible. In part 1, we talked about doing well in school and using GPA as a measuring stick. Now let’s talk about living life with integrity.

Living life with integrity is easy to say, harder to do. Don’t you agree? Teaching it to your teenager is yet even harder. What makes a good parent is bringing the living by integrity lifestyle into the home. Here are some basic points to follow:

1) Keeping your word.

Following through with what you say you are going to do and teaching the value of this concept to your teenagers is one of the best gifts you could ever give to your teenager. The ease with which people will say anything with no follow through is a real virus in society today. Look no further than our present economic and political environment.

Berney Madoff cheated rabbinical schools of money for 10 years. These schools are the primary religious training facilities in the Jewish faith. Even more disgusting is that behind this, the government regulating boards, which were notified no less than 28 times of his scam, over a 10 year period, did nothing and no one seemed to care.

What makes a good parent is living by your word so when your teenager doesn’t follow through with chores, school or even being on time you can lead them by example. It’s important when they are keeping their word that you acknowledge them for doing so.

Living with integrity is one of the most important gifts you can give to yourself and your teenager.

Please read the continuing portion of this article in Part 3.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Parenting and Expectations with Teenagers

Keyboard Culture — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:00:38 +0000

Today, I want to talk about what is reasonable for a parent to do when pushing our teenagers forward.

What makes a good parent is being able to come up with a plan for your teenager, implementing it and then, when things don’t go according to plan, being able to alter the plan to keep your teen moving in a good direction.

Where do you begin when coming up with a plan?

What makes a good parent requires, you as the parent, stepping back from your own busy schedule and taking the time to give quality energy into thinking about what you want for your teenagers. This doesn’t mean general terms like, “you want them to be happy, you want them to be successful or you want them to be good people”.

If you have taken the time to read my previous posts you will know that I have written extensively on these core principles before. Let’s leave it to say, for this article, that your teenager being happy, successful and a good person are the building blocks of true success in life, but here I want to be more specific.

Let’s spend a little time with some concrete action steps and ideas for implementing what makes a good parent. We will be keeping our discussion today to addressing teenagers in high school or college.

1) Grade point average. Like it or not GPA is a critical measuring stick of how your teenager is doing. For those of you reading this and thinking GPA doesn’t matter, I highly encourage you to look inside and recognize the err of your thought process. You most likely are falling into one of two categories,

a) You are being defensive because your teenager isn’t doing well, or

b) you are one of those people stuck in the sixties progressive (actually regressive) mindsets that competition is bad.

The facts are that colleges look at GPA when your teen is applying for school, when they are in school and when they are applying for grad school. If time is an issue for you as a parent then you should know GPA is probably the easiest way for a parent to judge how their teenager is standing up relative to other teenagers and to how your parenting style is working.

So what you want to do is sit down with your teenager and let them know what your expectations are in regards to GPA, (I highly recommend 3.5 because scholarships and grants often use that number as the minimum requirement). Then you let your teenager know that attaining that GPA is going to be the centerpiece of what they think about.

Teenagers need to understand that doing well in school is their job. You take your job seriously and they need to take their job seriously. Creating this mindset will go a long way for them to create success in their life.

Please read part 2 of Parenting and expectations with teenagers.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Parenting and Unconditional Positive Regard

Keyboard Culture — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:00:14 +0000

What makes a good parent? What are the main things, you can do, to succeed as a parent? Your relationship with your children is going to go through many ups and downs. Expect it. There are going to be times where you want to strangle your kids and there are going to be times when you wish you handled yourself better. So how do you keep your relationship with them growing through all this turmoil?

What makes a good parent begins with the parent’s unconditional positive regard for their children. But what does unconditional positive regard mean? I would like to begin with telling you what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean when your child is failing or doing poorly in school that you say, “its ok honey, you’ll do better next time”. It doesn’t mean, when your children talks back to you that you take it because you love them.

What makes a good parent is standing up, and leading your children with unconditional positive regard as I’m going to describe to you right now.

When your child is doing poorly in school, you begin with taking responsibility within yourself how you weren’t on top of how they were doing. I’m not going to call you a bad parent if your child does poorly in school. But, I can tell you, what ever parenting style you use, if your child repeats poor performance a second straight semester and you haven’t made major changes in what you as a parent do, you are not doing what makes a good parent.

So what would you do in this circumstance? You lay down the law. Sit down with them and tell them of your expectations. You go to the school and have a meeting with their teachers to find out what is going on. (On this point, you will not go to the school with the aim of blaming the teachers for your child’s failures. This is not unconditional positive regard. This is stupidity).

After you have heard what the teachers say, you then sit down with your child and explain to them that you love them and because you love them these are the steps we are going to take until the grades come up to an acceptable level. These steps could be like no computer or video games. No going out until after homework is done and you have checked it.

This is unconditional positive regard. Unconditional positive regard means that you always love your children and you let them know it. It also means that you take a stand for them when you feel they are out of line with what you as a parent think is right for them. In effect, as a parent, you take responsibility.

Stay tuned for part 2

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Reasonable Expectations for Our Teens

Keyboard Culture — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:00:05 +0000

A couple of weeks ago I had a very interesting conversation with a 15 year old that made me think about what makes a good parent. The 15 year old in question was very well mannered, intelligent, and as he said “very stressed out”. I asked him if he is getting bad grades. He said no. I asked him if he is getting into trouble. He said no to this too. So I asked him what’s up. He replied he didn’t know what he was going to do with his life. I thought his comment was amazing so I decided to tell his story to a few parent friends of mine. When I brought this conversation up to them their responses were fascinating. Some asked if he is going to career counseling and others said, “he is only 15 years old”.

My point here is what makes a good parent isn’t always in line with good people with good intentions. Here’s what I mean. I know the boy’s mother. She is doing everything she can to make him successful in her mind. She has great intentions for her son and for the most part she is doing a great job with him, but he is really stressed out about his future and is only 15 years old.

For you parents reading this story, let me give you some advice. What makes a good parent is leadership.

Leadership for a 15 year old should entail the following:

• He or she should do well in school

• He or she should be respectful, polite and basically a good person

• He or she should have chores in the house to facilitate responsibility

• He or she should have limited time on the internet and video games

• He or she should be out enough during free time to learn social skills

• He or she should be doing volunteer work, (important for college)

• He or she be encouraged to participate in fun stuff

• He or she should have down time to do whatever they want

Our teens need to work hard and be good people but they are just coming off childhood. What makes a good parent is part keeping a watchful eye on them, part pushing them and part allowing them the space to learn from their own experiences. This third part is critical.

We need to remember our kid’s happiness is at the heart of their success. Fifteen year olds should not be thinking or worried about their future. If they know what they want to do at that age, well, you are just lucky.

So please for your teens sake, remember to tell them how proud you are of them, how much you love them and cut them some slack if they are doing great.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teen Parenting and Critical Thinking: Part 3

Keyboard Culture — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 15:00:49 +0000

Why am I adding political issues into teen parenting? I am doing it because I still believe in the U.S. I fear that people are walking around with blinders on. We are seeing a huge rise in drop outs, teen pregnancy and now unemployment. Furthermore, we are adopting European’s failing model of Government taking care of our problems and taking care of us.

What made the U.S. great wasn’t the government. It was the pioneering innovative spirit of our country, our people. It was our ethnic diversity that lead to new ways of thinking. We, as families, drove our kids to think and create. Parents used to sacrifice, so the next generation would have more. A big part of teen parenting was this mentality. We are now well into the age of the disintegrating family and reaping the rewards. Countless teens are being raised without a father.

All we hear is how our education system is failing us, our government isn’t doing enough. We have to regain our self dignity. Until the day has returned when we look in the mirror and accept where we are is because what we do, ourselves, we truly are lost.

I hope when you finish reading this blog on teen parenting, you go hug your kids and your spouse, tell them you love them, and remember to teach them to think.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teen Parenting and Critical Thinking Part 2

Keyboard Culture — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 15:00:51 +0000

Critical thinking is the willingness to read, watch, be open and analyze all the data you take in and come to a conclusion. A big part of teen parenting, today, probably more than ever before, is teaching your kids to take part in it.

When you embark in critical thinking conclusions reached may be the opposite of previous positions you have taken before. Why would your position change? Because new facts and compelling arguments become apparent that makes it very difficult to keep the previous notion. I’m afraid we are in the time of the dumbing up of America. Life has become so busy that true thinking is taking a back seat to letting others think for us.

To make this a balanced article on teen parenting, let me sight some examples on both sides of the political spectrum. On the right, we have turned the pro life ideology from being a strong belief to annihilating any candidate who won’t quote the bible and condemn, as a murderer, anyone who disagrees with them. On the left, the president and congress espouse how they are going to cut the deficit in half, forgetting to mention that the halving is of the quadrupling of the budget. Even that can only be achieved, though, by people spending money, which they can’t, because of higher taxes and unemployment.

People argue these points, now, like they are espousing facts. I would argue that the only thing holding these people back is facts. Why use critical thinking when repeating politically correct statements are so easy.

For you reading this article, stop this crushing stupidity in your homes and get back to basics. When teen parenting, first remember, you as a parent have a job to teach.

What you need to teach your kids is:

• To carry themselves with respect, dignity and ethics in the family and out in the real world.

• To read, rather than watch TV, videogames or YOUTUBE

• To enjoy learning new things

• Their job is to do well in school and help the family

• They should not just believe what they hear, but take the time and study, evaluate, ask questions and see what is known so they can reach good conclusions

• You love them to death

Please read teen parenting and critical thinking part 3.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teen Parenting and Critical Thinking

Keyboard Culture — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:00:54 +0000

Yesterday, I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, listening to the political dialoging that was going on. Usually, I just listen. But yesterday, I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today on teen parenting so I got involved. Because I live in San Francisco the conversation is always about agreement on how amazing President Obama is and how President Bush destroyed the country.

I was reading earlier in the day, Attorney General Eric Holder pardoned those men, who were carrying sticks outside the polling booths in Philadelphia during the elections, threatening people to vote for Obama and were caught on tape saying “this is the end for all you crackers”. These men were already arraigned and didn’t show up for court. All the justice department had to do was sentence them. AG Holder, however, pardoned them. It was the first time on record something like this has ever been done by the AGs office.

I questioned one of the guys in the coffee shop if he thought Pres. Obama was doing a great job. He, of course, said yes. I told him about the above news. He said he hadn’t heard. I asked him if it was true what happened would that make him question his faith in the president. He said, he really doesn’t care about that, and then remarked “Look at what Bush did”. I couldn’t leave it alone, at this point, so I asked him “Are facts not important to you when deciding whether you believe the president is doing well”? He responded that he didn’t have to listen to that crap.

Teen parenting and critical thinking is the subject of this blog. As our country is going through, what I think, is a crisis of the heart and mind, I want to share some important insights that can greatly affect whether your teen parenting journey leads to success or failure.

Henry Ford once wrote, “Thinking is the hardest thing man can do. That’s why so few people take part in it”. I think these words have never been more relevant than they are today. In your teen parenting journey, you will find that you only have so many things to offer your teens and not a lot of time to do it.

Besides creating a loving nurturing environment that is driven by ethics, integrity and compassion, teaching them to use their brains to think critically may be the most important gift a parent can give their children.

Please read teen parenting and critical thinking part 2 for some suggestions.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teen Parenting: What is Okay? Part 3

Keyboard Culture — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 15:00:24 +0000

Part 3 of Teen Parenting: What is Okay?, is my opinion on teen parenting from a very personal level.

In my opinion, we have come to a point in society of polarization. It seems that most people, who are vocal, are either way left or way right.

I want to say something on this point. When 9/11 took place, we as a country, stood as one. We reprioritized what was important as a nation. We became one people. It lasted for months. All the nonsense, that is being argued now on the news, never would have been discussed. The petty partisan politics wouldn’t even be discussed.

In my opinion, our country, and seemingly the rest of the world, is in a moral pre 9/11 mentality. I feel teen parenting should be the center point of discussion of society. The majority has completely forgotten about our youth and the next generation. The educational system is not the problem. The government is not the solution. In my opinion, the decay of the family is the problem. I go to endless PTA meetings and constantly hear how the educational system is failing our kids. I believe this is crap. I believe it is the parents and adults who are often failing our kids.

I believe until parents take teen parenting and family as their priority over pleasure, blaming of others, and excuses as to why we are where we are as individuals and families we are doomed to a rough ride. Until we stop expecting our government to solve our financial problems and personal problems we are in big trouble.

I pray for enlightenment for the masses and for leaders to stop pointing their fingers out to them and turn it to themselves and say I am the cause. When that day comes. We will all be alright.

Just a thought.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teen Parenting: What is Okay?

Keyboard Culture — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:00:25 +0000

I was reading an article today about a huge conference in Canada that recently took place on the subject of trends in families. The subject came up about the availability of pornographic material that is available on the internet. One of the speakers was addressing the issue of sexting. Sexting is the putting on the internet, pictures of minors naked or in sexually promiscuous poses on different sites. The speaker, who is an educator in Canada, said it was wrong but that he didn’t see anything wrong with children expressing their sensuality or sexuality. Having been a parent, a lecturer and counselor on teen parenting, I can tell you we have come a long way to creating an unstable future for our world if this is a commonly held position.

Teen parenting and toddler parenting is about creating a safe and empowering environment. In pre-internet times, it was far more reasonable to let your kids out and let them test the waters. Back then, the limit of their exposure to adult issues was determined by how far they could get on their bike or later in their car. In those times, they would come in contact with other kids who had the same limited exposure. They would test and try things but very quickly they had to be home and parents could look for change in behavior. If the change was creating negative behavior in or out of the house the parent could limit their free time. Teen parenting, now, is a different animal.

Teens, now, can be in their own home and doing things that are completely inappropriate. Getting back to the sexting conversation, first of all it is illegal. Second, it is a sad commentary on society. I will express two instances in teen parenting that should put any of you doubters to this problem in your place.

I was recently visiting a long term friend of mine who never had children and is a college professor, here in the U.S. I always knew he liked photography and he like nude portraits. I, honestly, have no problem with that. He is an adult and the photography is legal. I was looking through some of his photography books and came upon a book by an author who filled the book with a family that was taking nude shots together. I asked him what’s up with that book? He didn’t think anything was wrong with it. He went on to mention how the author had been harassed by the authorities several times and had many law suits filed against him. He went on to mention how the suits went on for years only to have a judge finally throw out all the law suits for some reason.

Please read part 2 of teen parenting and what is okay.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teenage Parenting and Sibling Rivalry: Part 3

Keyboard Culture — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:07:53 +0000

Step three is making them look at each other and getting them to tell each other one or two things that they admire about the other, then to tell one or two things they are jealous about.

This totally disarms them and amazingly purges a lot of stuff. Don’t worry if it doesn’t all happen at once. Start to have these meetings and get each of you used to admitting positive stuff. Before too long, the environment in the home becomes a lot more empowering and beneficial.

Teenage parenting is a challenge to say the least. Here’s the thing. You have the teens, hopefully forever in your life. There is always going to be love. The key is are you guys going to like one another enough to hang out together? Getting rid of sibling rivalry is part of that equation that you and they need to solve to achieve this

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teenage Parenting and Sibling Rivalry: Part 2

Keyboard Culture — Fri, 29 May 2009 15:04:20 +0000

Continuing on with teenage parenting and sibling rivalry, let’s talk about the big picture. The big picture is, it’s a tough world out there that we are sending our kids. Why do we want to send our kids out there thinking they are alone, if we don’t have to?

In case you haven’t noticed, in teenage parenting, your teens want to hang out with you less and less and confide in you less and less. This natural and, although, painful thing is inevitable. So how do we create getting them someone they can go to? They are right in your home. Sibling rivalry in an impediment to giving them an ally.

In teenage parenting, how do we teach them to cooperate. As a family we help each other. We take out time in our busy life and prioritize family. We constantly acknowledge successes and stand by each other in down times. We teach our kids that some day the parents won’t be around and all they will have is each other and their family. How can you let sibling rivalry continue with the family as a centerpiece? You can’t.

If sibling rivalry exists in your home exists in your home now, in teenage parenting, how do you fix it?

First off, if sibling rivalry exists, you played a role in creating it. I’m not here to blame you. You wanted your kids to do well, so you rewarded the good behavior. You didn’t intentionally make one of the children feel worse, but it did happen. What can you do?

Step one is sit down with your kids and discuss your family. The starting point is telling your teens the most positive things you admire in each with intense sincerity. Tell them about how much pleasure they have each given you.

Step two in teenage parenting, and this family discussion, is discuss with them, how they need each other. Explain how they can help each other and how the sibling rivalry is undermining them.

Read part 3 of teenage parenting and sibling rivalry.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Teenage Parenting and Sibling Rivalry

Keyboard Culture — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:00:44 +0000

Teenage parenting is filled with minefields and sibling rivalry is one of them. In a time where we push our kids to do well in school and achieve, they will inevitably be in rivalries. The one place where we don’t want rivalries is in our home.

In teenage parenting, how do we stop sibling rivalry?

Let’s back track one second and talk about the benefits of competition. Competition, by its very nature, is win – lose. Someone wins and someone loses. The positive side to this is it drives us to be the best we can be. The benefits are huge. Most of our biggest successes come out of outperforming others. It would be a big mistake, in my opinion, when involved in teenage parenting to present competition as a negative.

In the home, however, is not where competition is a great thing. In the home, individual achievement is immensely important, but so is sanity in the family. How do we take individual achievement and make it positive so sibling rivalry doesn’t undermine the family? This is what teenage parenting is all about.

Step One

Create a win-win situation, instead of a win-lose situation. In teenage parenting we do this by teaching our kids that the family success is based on every one filling their roles. Roles for teenagers include doing well in school and out in the world. There is no place for sibling rivalry in family success.

Step Two

Step two is built on step one. Part of the parents role, in teenage parenting, is to encourage your teens to cooperate for mutual success. You need to teach them, from the beginning, that they need to help and cheer on each others success.

See part two of teenage parenting and sibling rivalry.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Why Are Students Getting Bad Grades?

Keyboard Culture — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:00:42 +0000

Today, we will discuss one very important reason why students are getting bad grades.

Today’s subject is about the dummying of America. With the advent of the internet, and all that increase to information that we never had as kids, one would think our kids would be doing better in school. What I have found, however, in my experience and research, is that parents who greatly limit what the kids are accessing on the internet, is often the difference between students getting bad grades or not.

What I mean about the dummying of America is that our kids now can get simplistic answers to complex questions with the flick of a button. Rather than having to analyze data, they can get opinions at will. Why students are getting bad grades is because many have no patience to do the hard work it takes to form opinions.

Some solutions to why are students getting bad grades begins with parents…

a) insisting their kids have time set aside for reading everyday. This makes the child visualize written words and use their imagination,

b) limiting their time on the computer to completing school work,

c) limiting their time on tvs to educational programs,

d) taking them to museums and art galleries that have docents.

In closing, the key to why are students getting bad grades is the expectation of instant gratification rather than using their brains. Not all learning is easy, but what in life that is worth having has ever come easy?

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Parenting Tips in Teenage Parenting

Keyboard Culture — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:00:44 +0000

Many parents ask me for parenting tips when it comes to their teens. They want to know how to stop yelling, how to get their kids to do their chores, how to make rules in the house and the list could go on forever. Today, I want to speak about something that kind of addresses all those issues.

The first of the parenting tips is to connect to your children. Do you remember when you were a kid and sometimes you just didn’t understand or agree with your parents. Were you right? Were they right? The odds are sometimes you were and sometimes they were, but more often then not it was the parents. In teenage parenting, or any parenting, the point is that if your kids don’t understand why you are upset with them or why you say what you say there will be a disconnect. A disconnect means there will be a break from connecting with them.

It won’t matter if you are right if the connection isn’t created. I’ll give you an example from our family. My second son is just shy of 18. He has been accepted into a couple of colleges and is doing really well in school. He just doesn’t ever want to come home. He’s having a great time. So, my wife called him and told him to come home. He said “why”? My wife told him because she said so. He didn’t get it and stopped answering his phone to her. This is the disconnect.

The parenting tip is this. I got on the phone and called him and told him, “Look, you are doing well and I understand you just want to go, go , go, but sometimes you have to come home and give us a break from worrying and furthermore, you’ll being leaving us soon forever and this is the last time we are going to have. So can you come home, please?” He came home. He still wanted to go out but we connected.

Connect with your kids on a personal level. It will go a long way in teenage parenting.

Take care,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Fathers in Teenage Parenting 3

Keyboard Culture — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:00:38 +0000

In the last blog of “Fathers in Teenage Parenting” we talked about the father’s role in early teenage parenting. In this one, let’s talk about the father’s role in mid to late teenage parenting.

By the mid to late teens years, important dynamics often start that makes the father’s presence even more important than in previous years.

Starting with teenage parenting with the boys; Boys often don’t want to be seen with their mothers, in public and are challenging them, in private. This is a natural occurrence as young male energy starts to emerge. When there is a father in the house, he can relate to the male energy and can discuss it with them. Its not that it’s always easy but the father can set the example of how a responsible male needs to behave in society. He can give examples of how he handled mother issues and the ever uncomfortable puberty issues that no male teenager will discuss with their mother.

When I took the helm with my wife and her two boys for teen parenting duties, they were 13 and 15 years old. They were raised with no male in the house and were utterly dominating her. Let me tell you it hasn’t always been easy, but has been incredibly rewarding. I instilled chores, rules, allowances and school expectations. I also instilled for them to go out more to be with their friends without supervision, something my wife was scared to do.

Now let’s Deal with teenage parenting issues with the daughter, as it relates to the father. For this article, I would like to focus on two points. Fathers play a huge role for daughters in how the daughter perceives how men deal with women in general. This means if the daughter perceives the father treats women with respect it gives her a belief system that men are capable of this behavior and then she has a better chance of having a successful relationship herself.

Women, who have had a difficult relationship with their fathers, often have a difficult time in relationships with men later. The second point, in teenage parenting is, father’s can play an important role for the daughter when they begin dating. Fathers can give a unique perspective about the male psyche for the daughter. Women want to believe what boys say. It’s a father’s job to dispel this naïve perspective. It’s not that all boys aren’t authentic in their teen years…it’s just that, let’s say they may be driven by a place that isn’t their brain.

In closing, fathers can and should play a huge role in teenage parenting for boys and girls. Please let that be the case with your kids.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

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Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families. See his website at takebackthehome.com and keyboardculture.com. or write him at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com. Dr. Bocknek

Fathers in Teenage Parenting 2

Keyboard Culture — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:00:05 +0000

In teenage parenting, especially in blended families, the presence of the father or step father is hugely important in the development of the teenager. In the first Fathers in Teenage Parenting blog post, we talked about the difference in nurturing capacities between mothers and fathers with the preteen.

Let’s now look at how the father can impact the nurturing of the blossoming teenager.

What is different in teenage parenting vs. preteen parenting in regards to the father?

The first thing to remember is that the blossoming teenager is starting to spread his or her wings. They are becoming more independent. This is often a very trying time for parents. Parents are starting to realize that those cute little entities are now starting to act as little people, with their own ideas and desires. Often the mother wants to continue to dote on their little children only to be rebuffed. It’s not that the teen doesn’t need to still be nurtured by the mother, it’s just that they only want it when they want it and when they don’t, they resent being “treated like a baby”.

Here is where the father’s presence can really be beneficial in teenage parenting. Fathers, who already, didn’t want to baby their preteens, ought to be a key element to help facilitate the teenager’s development. Fathers can use their nurturing style to help facilitate chores and enforcing rules in the house. A lot of teen parenting concerns should be revolving around nurturing the teen to being responsible, ethical and how to get on in the outside world and fathers are perfect for this role.

To some reading this blog, these previous statements may sound like the stern unfeeling father of the old days, but nothing can be further from the truth. Men come with an innate power just because they are male. It is this power that, when done well, can lead to a more peaceful house. In teenage parenting the father’s emotions are not as tied to the basic needs of the child as the mothers are. His are more tied to having enjoyable kids who will succeed in life.

It is no small wonder that families without fathers present teenage parenting problems at a much higher rate. Recently, I read a statistic teens are ten times more likely to have a run in with the law when they come from a family with no father present on a regular basis.

In the next post we will discuss the importance of fathers in mid to late teenage parenting.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families. See his website at takebackthehome.com and keyboardculture.com. or write him at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com. Dr. Bocknek

Fathers in Teenage Parenting

Keyboard Culture — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:00:40 +0000

Today, I would like to speak on the importance of the father in raising kids in teenage parenting.

Our family is a blended family. Between my wife and me we have four kids, three boys and a girl. This year they will be 20, 18, 17 and 15. Here’s what I have noticed. Understand, what I’m about to say is not to insult or judge teenage parenting styles, (well, ok there will be some judgment, but where would we be without judgment, LOL).

Let’s first talk some of what mothers bring to the table. Mothers, first and foremost, bring an amazing ability to love their children in a way that men almost never do. They worry about things like sickness, eating well and staying up too late as if each decision carries the weight of the world on it.

Women just have a nurturing side that is incredible. Its not that men don’t have a nurturing side, (of course we do)…it’s just not the same. Before teenage parenting begins, I believe, it is to the degree how this nurturing pattern is expressed that greatly determines a lot of how a child will develop in life.

So, if men aren’t as nurturing in the same way, what do we do?

How are men beneficial before teenage parenting begins?

For this conversation, I like to use the example of when my son was learning how to ride a bike. Truth be known, my son only wanted to learn how to ride because he couldn’t stand the fact his older sister could and he couldn’t. His enthusiasm quickly waned with the first fall.

When he fell and got up bleeding, his mother ran down in screaming panic of how could I let this happen? As the male role model did my nurturing side kick in? You betcha. I stood him up and said congratulations. I told him, “You just passed your first hurdle in learning how to ride a bike”. I put him back on the bike and said let’s start again.

Did I know what I was doing was absolutely correct? Of course not, but he learned how to ride the bike that day and we did high fives all afternoon.

We’ll continue the discussion in Fathers in Teenage Parenting 2.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bocknek

The Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families

*******

Dr. Robert Bocknek is the Problem Solving Expert for Parents and Families. See his website at takebackthehome.com and keyboardculture.com. or write him at Bocknek@takebackthehome.com. Dr. Bocknek